Bleu Neptune

I can hear the echo of my empty heart. But I will be alright.  I am safe at last, albeit still shaking after departing the storm I no longer want to participate in this push-and-pull game. I left without looking back before you could abandon me once more. Well, you already have when you said your goodbye so easily. I walked away and stopped talking as you wished. There will be no revenge, for I want to erase you from my head like we have never met before. I no longer want to see your face nor hear your name. A few well-meaning people want to give me prayers. It is easy to throw around words. Do they really know the pain or have they walked in my shoes? I no longer align with what I used to believe I will sit with my pain and help myself to heal Yes, I choose myself.  I choose to embrace the wounded child inside.  Now I see how cheap being a "good friend" is.  Now I see how words could be so meaningless.  Now I see how something you once thought was precious coul...

似乎所有發生的事情都是意義的, 一切都環環相扣, 一次一次遇見的人讓我經歷的痛苦， 帶領著我走入內心的那個黑洞， 喚醒我忘記的真正的自我。 因為失去讓我找尋浮木能夠不溺斃，我找到了一個人，但他只是幻影，身上充滿著刺傷我的荊棘。 我又遇見另一個人，他像太陽一般照耀著我，讓我跟到溫暖，我誤認那會是永遠，但沒看到他的陽光身後的黑影跟破碎。我被他一次一次地灼傷了，但是我不願放手，因為我一直記得他的溫暖，只是他照耀的不只是我，他說他從來都不在，我的傷是我自己造成的。 我繼續抓著另一個東西，我抓住了礦物水晶的收藏，但失去了讓我生活無憂的金錢。而這次我選擇沉浸在虛幻的戲劇世間，讓我逃離現實帶跟我的無力感，似乎透過主角跟劇情我也在那些世界裡活過了。 我發現每當接近結局之時，我會不忍去看，並不是不能接受會發生的事情，因為我重看了《蒼蘭訣》，我早已經知道結局，我所不願去面對的是結束之後我又要回到現實，我不願從夢中醒來，因為沒有任何人在那如我愛他一般愛著我。 一部又一部帶領著我到《永夜星河》，我原本以為它不可能跟《長相思》跟《蒼蘭訣》帶給我一樣的震撼，我覺得不可能有能夠超越這兩部的劇了。 《長相思》裡相柳在戰死前不求回報地默默地替小夭完成她所需所想所愛，也不願讓她知道是他所做的，甚至把他從她的鏡中記憶抹去，只願她一生無憂。我看完我無法停止地哭泣，覺得沒有任何可以慰藉我被悲傷啃食的心，一方面我被感動，覺得我必須跟相柳一樣默默地愛著跟付出不求回報，另一方面感受到讓人窒息的孤寂跟絕望，覺得連他的好跟愛都不會被知道跟記得，就如同我所付出跟給予的愛不被看見跟感受到，如同那永恆孤寂的遙遠的冥王星。 而《蒼蘭訣》裡小蘭花跟大木頭的愛深深地吸引著我，東方青蒼一心只看得到跟愛著小蘭花，呵護並寵愛著她，向反對的人確切堅定地展示自己對她的獨愛，彼此雙向奔赴的愛願意為了對方犧牲自己，不可能有比這個更美更真的愛了，這也是我內心所渴望的，但是現實中真的存在嗎？也許只在幻想的國度裡。 因此在這兩部之後，我不覺得還能夠有比他們能勾動我的心了，然後在我不留神地看完《永夜星河》還在困惑未讀懂它的結局時，它也牽動了現實生活中的我。 浮舟最後寫的「人在什麼時候才可以愛另一人愛到100%？不是當我愛你愛到超過愛自己的時候，而是只有當我真心喜歡自己，相信我自己的時候，我才能全心全意真正的愛你」。先讓我有所感悟，讓我想起跟那個人所發...

Of all the elements, what can one live without?  Here is the order of elements, from what will impact us the most immediately to least urgent, when one of the them is absent :  Air > Water > Earth > Fire  Air: We die if we can't breathe air within three minutes.  Water: We can only survive without water for three days.  Earth: Earth grows food. Without food, we can only survive for a week. And earth is the ground we stand upon.  Fire: Fire is the least needed element. We can live on raw food and water alone. However, life would seem to miss some sparks or flavors. Fire is the driving force and passion that ignites life.  The order of the elements, from most to least, on my astrology chart is: Water > Fire > Earth > Air  The element of air is zero. It makes me wonder what that signifies if the element is absent in me esoterically, if the air is so important for a living being. It reflects on my struggle with the suffocation and st...

Staying single is like a breeze Something I have excelled since being at the womb of my mother I have been single forever if you don't count that short-lived dating experience in one summer of Australia, a budding but not-meant-to-be relationship that I flew thousands of miles into a snowland for and several crushes turned into crashes.  I have always been as true as my sign of Pisces and personality type INFP...a hopeless romantic person. Many days are spent day dreaming of finally meeting that one person that sees me and understand each other's thoughts. A connection of heart, mind, body and soul.  No distance is too far. Nothing seems like an obstacle in my eyes. As long as we love each other. But I just ended up facing disappointment after disappointment, heartache after heartache, tears that could drown the ocean.  Until I learned that all romance is fiction. Love songs, novels and movies are bullcraps to brainwash someone with a sensitive heart like me into believin...

This is a journal to record how I feel about him June 1, 2020 I got up the courage to write him, showing him my turtles and tortoises' photos. I enjoyed talking to him very much June 2, It went downhill after deleting him and telling him about my limerence toward him  June 3, We still talked but he wouldn't add me back on FB again I am not sure which day he added me back after we chatted for a few days and I felt overjoyed and I thought he also liked me  And then it all went downhill again one day he was all quiet and I tried to ask him questions to see how he was. Then came the big shocking news that he was getting married to a family friend... I acted all sad and he learned that I liked him. Then he rejected me telling me that he did not like and I was not his type and being an East Asian. :( Oh, and he deleted me on FB From that point, I really thought that would have had been the last time I talked with him. But surprisingly, he still chose to talk to me the next day....

Do you know what hurts so very much? It's love. Love is the strongest force in the world, and when it is blocked that means pain. There are two things we can do when this happens. We can kill that love so that it stops hurting. But the of course part of us dies, too. Or we can ask God to open up another route for that love to travel. --- The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom    I couldn't feel the motivation to do anything yesterday. I wish it was a nightmare when I woke up. I went back to sleep after my morning routine because I found no purpose to go on anymore. Then, after I woke up, somehow I picked myself up again to do what needed to be done. At first I felt grief, then I felt anger toward that person. The anger was not for not being loved, but rather that he gave in so easily to his life's circumstance. I only wanted him to hurt as much as I was hurt. Whatever I said was just vitriolic bile.  Nevertheless, I knew deep down in my heart that this was not right. I could...

Limerence is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated. Limerence can also be defined as an involuntary state of intense romantic desire. ----- Wikipedia Life is full of turns and surprises. I thought that after learning about CEN, Childhood Emotional Neglect and AvPD, Avoidant Personality Disorder in recent years that I have completed my collection of mental problems on top of anxiety disorder, panic attacks, Intrusive thought OCD and dysthymia. Then I stumbled upon Limerence, a condition that made me have strong romantic desire toward another person. Sure, I might really like that person, but that proportion goes out of healthy order. Could it be the Pisces sign that has jinxed me or CEN has played tricks on my attachment issue?  I have always been a very romantic person at least in my...

I was talking to a friend about politics the other day and the sentence he mentioned, "Freedom is not free" dawned upon me. Even though what that friend meant for the sentence was blood shedding revolution for freedom, it made me start introspecting my life. I am a person who is all about freedom, even though I appear to be cautious owing to my personality type. I used to think if you really love something, you must have as much of it as possible. And it was all or nothing for me. But over the years as I grew and after learning about minimalism. All or nothing actually doesn't really apply to most things in life. I have learned about what it means to set boundary in relationships and have a guideline for something.  Freedom is indeed not free, especially, when I am suffering from insomnia because of my poor sleep hygiene. I enjoyed or even addicted to the thrill of staying up and being awake alone in the dark doing whatever I wanted. I seemed free, didn't I? But it ...

The first thing I have observed from last chapters was the number one-fifth, when Joseph told the Egyptians who had sold their lands and themselves as slaves to give one-fifth of what they produce to Pharaoh. It is no coincidence for the same proportional number to appear again. I will keep that in mind and to save one-fifth of what I earn in the future as emergency funds which can't be used absolutely except for real need at hand. Then, it begs the question of what about the other four-fifth? I will divide them into other four categories. The common expense in our life are usually categorized into Food, Living(rent or loan), Transportation and Miscellaneous (which includes clothing, entertainment, educational fee, medical expense, etc). But as I am still in debt, I will need to use a different approach. I will set first one as  Fixed Necessity  (including food, rent, transportation, medical expense and electricity bill), Miscellaneous Expense  (it varies from toilet pa...

I found myself at the crossroad again deciding what to let go. No, I know exactly what to let go of and it is a question of my willingness. Every decluttering that ever occured since I embarked on this journey of minimalism is like arriving at a milestone. I usually find myself struggling the most with books. I always have excuses for keeping them all. Yet I know deep down in my heart that it comes from the mindset of scarcity fearing that I would regret that someday I might need them and wouldn't be able to have access to them anymore. Rationally speaking, it is a mental burden to accumulate stuff that I might or I wish I would do someday even if the someday is say, three months later. But new things might come up three months later. Then, what am I to do with the presumed someday items? They sit there in the dust and quietly remind me of the tasks I haven't done and which brings out all the unnecessary stress. I can find almost all the books at the library.  And I only need...

Everything should come to an end. This endless buying cycle of things to fill the void that cannot be filled by any other means but by simply looking within. They say, "Stop looking within yourself! Go occupied yourself with others' needs, then you will forget about your pain." And now I know how wrong they were. The problem is I never looked within myself hard and deep enough. Only when I broke away from that crowd that I started to learn more about myself. Changing is scary. And I am not sure what would happen if I let go of all things. But I will find out when it happens. I have lost things that I found my identity with. But why do I still feel ashamed of not having a job? It only means that I am still identifying myself with the content of "having a job". This is the root of the whole problem. And all my pursuing of other things like toys, photos and such are merely the means to help me to forget about the shame of not being able to find the th...

Yesterday I saw a group of devout Christians wearing shirts delivering messages of "believe the Lord and have eternal life." Mother asked, "you don't believe in that anymore?" I said, "I don't believe in that way anymore and it is not about eternal life." Yes, I still believe and I believe so much deeper than I used to do. After leaving the religious world, I have found the true reason to believe. I don't believe so I could fit into a group. I don't believe so that I could escape hell and enter heaven. I don't believe because of peer pressure. I believe as there is no hope and joy deeper elsewhere. I believe for God is within me and with me in my every breath.

I had hard time sleeping last night and I probably only slept for a few hours then I woke up feeling this sadness in my heart. However, this sadness is different than melancholy but more like realization. Last night I read the manga series, Goong and felt heartbroken for the characters because of the cliffhanging plot. Even though I knew that I was prone to feel this way when I got too into the story. I just can not help but feeling this longing for having somebody there who could accept and love me completely for who I am. I think this will be the last manga series I will read in a long while and it is a good way to leave the world of fantasy as this series as it is so good that even my heart aches. I cannot handle my this feeling of longing for someone anymore and that thought just leads to many different introspection in myself. Beside the ache of longing for someone, I start to feel sorry for myself as I feel that I owe myself a "better life". I feel sad that I didn'...

This past few days, I was back on decluttering some of my stuff because I felt the need of doing so. I felt stuck, distracted and overwhelmed by so many to-be-done and to-be-used things in my life. A language learning book sitting in the shell might seems harmless but it seems to add a unspoken burden to my mind. It always feels good to purge things that don't matter anymore in my life. It is by getting rid of stuff that I can truly focus on what is essential, like writing the blog. I really do love express myself here whether there is someone to read or not. I also like that I don't need to waste paper or accumulate physical notebooks. I do need an outlet since I have nearly no one to talk to in real life except for my online best friend that I never met in person and the therapist. So I have resolved to start writing here more often. Maybe a random stranger would be able to relate to what I share or be encouraged in some way. At least, you would know that you aren't alone...

"No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man. " ---Heraclitus I came across this quote from a book I was reading today. It really dawned on me that part of me still held onto my life before moving back here despite it's been 6 or 7 years. I would think about how great it would be if I could go back to this place or that place. And that thought made me happy and sad at the same time because I felt stuck and trapped and unable to get out from here.  I surely was happier being away from here yet I also had moments of struggles wherever I was. It's really not about where I am but how I am. I want to live and be myself regardless my physical location. It surely is difficult to make friends with people here with whom I don't relate to. I am not sure how it would go friendship-wise as I am not really open up yet. But I surely don't want to miss out the present because of the past and the future. ...

A few minutes ago, I was scrolling through the shopping app. I was thinking about buying a doll that is like Barbie but of another brand. I spents hours looking at different box sets and beautiful dresses for a doll. And I was trying to decide on which doll I would like to buy. However, at the last moment I deleted every item that I had liked.  Somehow deep down in my heart, I knew that this had to stop. First of all, I have already ordered some stuff which I still need to pay. Secondly, if I ever start something, it will just go on and on and on. It would be hard to draw a line. It has happened so many times that I had gone crazy and purchased lots of things because of a new hobby. Here is the history I have with binge shopping. I started buying lots of comic books over time when I was in elementary and middle school. Later I got rid of them after I lost interests in them except for the classics like Sailor Moon series and Lady Oscar series. I had several bookshelf-full of comic ...

I wanted to keep singing on that singing app, but then I ran out of songs that I knew how to sing. I wanted to write reviews on the dramas I had watched but then suddenly I felt that it was not really something I had a passion for and it was not something I really wanted to spend too much my energy on. I was into needle felting for a short while until I quit after a long time without touching any of the tools I bought. I seem to be interested in many different things but rarely any of them lasts. I want to find that one thing or a few things that I have a passion for and something that lasts for all my life instead of being sidetracked by so many different things that don't matter the most.

I haven't felt like writing in the middle of night for awhile. Maybe it was because I have been learning to sing some Spanish songs, I have started to feel the nostalgia for Latin America. All of sudden, I had this epiphany that I was dealing with a breakup from a culture, a lifestyle and a family. I thought I was heartbroken because of some guy I barely knew. But actually, my heartbreak is for parting with what I used to know. I will never forget how I wailed in the hotel room and on the streets of Lisbon, Portugal days before I headed home. I thought I was heartbroken because of someone I had feeling for. Little did I know that that person was just an epitome of everything. I felt lost and so so lost in a normal life back here. I wanted to hold onto something familiar to what I used to know. I tried to hang out with people from Latin America and speak the language with them for a while. I thought that would work. But it didn't. When the stress of a new job and the sense of re...

Have you thought about how old you are? I didn't mean the calculation you got from the current year minus your birth year. But how old you really are mentally and spiritually. A few years ago back in my 20s, I still felt like a little girl full of fear without much experience that a normal 20 something is supposed to have. When I was nineteen, I was told by the first guy I dated that I lacked confidence and acted like a dog following him around. Of course that was hurtful and an awful thing to say to someone. Besides that later I realized that there was a lot of pain in me. Not long ago I thought of my age according to how I felt at different moments. I found that my mental/spiritual age has grown gradually. I don't know for sure how that exactly happened but it has grown from 15, 17 to now, 21. Maybe I have grown by admitting the pain and hurt in my life. Maybe I have grown through confronting the obstacles. I don't know how I come up with the digit, either. All I kn...

To be honest, I am really unhappy.  I don't know what has gone wrong.  It is by God's grace all along the way.  It is not easy to tell just someone randomly about my story.  I hate to feel that I am gonna be this person whom someone from church wants to speak to or spends time with just because that is his/her job.  I hope someone could just want to spend time with me because he/she likes the way I am. I hate pretending to be Christian-y.  Oh dear, when I was asked if I got time to meet up, I was really anxious.  I felt that I had done something wrong.  I feel more and more unhappy in this "family".  Yet, I don't have another one to go to.