Heartbreak

I haven't felt like writing in the middle of night for awhile. Maybe it was because I have been learning to sing some Spanish songs, I have started to feel the nostalgia for Latin America. All of sudden, I had this epiphany that I was dealing with a breakup from a culture, a lifestyle and a family. I thought I was heartbroken because of some guy I barely knew. But actually, my heartbreak is for parting with what I used to know.

I will never forget how I wailed in the hotel room and on the streets of Lisbon, Portugal days before I headed home. I thought I was heartbroken because of someone I had feeling for. Little did I know that that person was just an epitome of everything. I felt lost and so so lost in a normal life back here. I wanted to hold onto something familiar to what I used to know. I tried to hang out with people from Latin America and speak the language with them for a while. I thought that would work. But it didn't. When the stress of a new job and the sense of reality hit me, I just wanted to run away and hide in the cave.

I found solace in food, TV shows, spending money, owning pets and staying up late. Despite how early I had to get up for work the next day, I would just stay up as late as 3 or 4 a.m. at times. Unfortunately, I haven't really quit those habits yet. The only difference is that I am well aware of it now.

For a long time, I couldn't bear to see anything about Latin America or see the pictures I took back then, because I would feel so lost and feeling being stuck somewhere I don't belong.  I know that I needed to come home and it was worth it, because I got to know our dog, Happy and also said goodbye to him and my grandmother. I learned to love dogs because of Happy. I also learned to know more about myself, the good sides and also the dark ones.

So I had a major heartbreak not from a person but from a culture, lifestyle and family. I wouldn't call it "home" but it has stuck in my heart. I still really want to go back there to visit more places especially Colombia. I miss speaking that language. I really want to go back there. I know that I don't want to live here forever. I know that I was born to explore places despite how much comfort I find staying in.

Will I have the courage to pick myself up and fulfill my dreams even when I don't know exactly how to get there or how to achieve? I believe that it is time to embrace what I have loved for so long. I was so afraid to even take a little glimpse of what I used to know. I couldn't bear to hear anything about it, because my heart would hurt a lot. But somehow I've started to feel a little bit more courage to recall the memories in those places and I am always amazed whenever I think of them. Because it feels like that just happened yesterday. I always feel so amazed that I had ever been to those places, because I am a totally different person than I used to be. I miss me. I miss the girl that loved to exploring places and was not afraid. I miss that beautiful me.

It took me 6 years to get over 3 years of "relationship" with my experience back in Latin America. Even if it was a great experience, I had to say goodbye. And I know now why it hurt to think of those beautiful memories. Because I truly loved and lived.  I don't regret for anything happened in the past and I feel grateful for everything. I believe it is time to pick myself up from the floor to truly live, to feel and to love. It is time to embrace what I love and fulfill the purposes in my life.