The ache of longing

I had hard time sleeping last night and I probably only slept for a few hours then I woke up feeling this sadness in my heart. However, this sadness is different than melancholy but more like realization. Last night I read the manga series, Goong and felt heartbroken for the characters because of the cliffhanging plot. Even though I knew that I was prone to feel this way when I got too into the story. I just can not help but feeling this longing for having somebody there who could accept and love me completely for who I am. I think this will be the last manga series I will read in a long while and it is a good way to leave the world of fantasy as this series as it is so good that even my heart aches. I cannot handle my this feeling of longing for someone anymore and that thought just leads to many different introspection in myself.

Beside the ache of longing for someone, I start to feel sorry for myself as I feel that I owe myself a "better life". I feel sad that I didn't experience much in romance and feel sad that as my body ages that my soul still remains youthful because of inexperience and avoidance. Maybe being with a guy 10 years to 15 years younger is no longer a taboo but my heart still aches that I can never truly love as a teenager or a early 20 woman anymore. I am not sad for aging itself at all but more for that I can no longer experience things as a person of that certain age normally would do .

I am not even positive that if I can truly handle a relationship without codependency.  I have been totally asocial these days and one of  the reasons is that I prefer not being obsessed with anyone. I learned it in a hard way from my last obsessive pain. So I kind of decided that romance was not for me despite being a person of total romance. Sometimes I wonder if God has made a joke for creating a person like me of melodramatic sentiment adding some flavors of avoidance , anxiety and codependency.

To be honest, that I don't really know what I want anymore. I used to have so many wishful goals or things-to-do for myself and I likely still do. But after adopting a minimalist lifestyle, going through faith deconstruction and being awaken by the of Power of Now, I no longer have to have certain things anymore. It is like it is okay whatever happens and that everything can fade away one day. And most of all, I have to learn to feed myself first before everything else. There is no room for any ideals or romance if I cannot take care of myself first.

So despite the ache of longing, I cannot dwell on it.  I will enjoy it wholeheartedly with the rest of the books of the series as a symbol of climax and leave them all behind and move on with my life.