Day 24

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This is a journal to record how I feel about him

June 1, 2020 I got up the courage to write him, showing him my turtles and tortoises' photos. I enjoyed talking to him very much

June 2, It went downhill after deleting him and telling him about my limerence toward him 

June 3, We still talked but he wouldn't add me back on FB again

I am not sure which day he added me back after we chatted for a few days and I felt overjoyed and I thought he also liked me 

And then it all went downhill again one day he was all quiet and I tried to ask him questions to see how he was. Then came the big shocking news that he was getting married to a family friend... I acted all sad and he learned that I liked him. Then he rejected me telling me that he did not like and I was not his type and being an East Asian. :( Oh, and he deleted me on FB

From that point, I really thought that would have had been the last time I talked with him. But surprisingly, he still chose to talk to me the next day. 

I got all angry and upset and I said some very hurtful stuff. 
After praying and introspecting, I apologized to him and told him that I would see him as a brother and a friend

But the truth is I really struggle with my feelings for him still. It is getting better but I still like him. I feel a sting of pain every time I think of him getting married and his rejection. 

But somehow he added me back again 

Since then, I have been struggling but I tried to be honest and told him about my struggle. He was being understanding. He noticed that I became all quiet and asked if I got angry. Actually, I tried to distance myself from him in order to protect myself. Because I was afraid to be too attached to him then when the day of his marriage came, it would have crushed me. After a crying out to God, I got peace from Him and have been doing better despite still have troubles sleeping and intrusive thoughts at times.

Today is day 24, I still like him. But I have made decision to let go of control. Because I don't own him. It is like a dance. The time talking to him is like dancing with him. I want to enjoy each moment. 

I have learned so much about myself all these days. I learned that not everyone just falls in love at first sight. My experience before was all so different than now. The two guys I ever dated also started liking me very quickly. I also have decided that I am not at a right place to be in a relationship whether he likes me or not. But it still hurts whenever I think of how he said he did not like me. 

I have started to be more open and I am willing to talk about pretty ladies and guys with him as if that I don't mind at all. Because I don't own him. 

I feel happy every time he calls me dear, sweety and say that I am pretty but I know he is just being friendly. 

My heart is so impatient but I know it that I can't rush or force anything

Today I also feel a bit of peace and faith in God. Because I know He knows what is best for me and what I need. There is no need to worry about anything. There is nothing that I can do to stop him from liking or to make him like me. I should just be me and there is no need to do anything to try to win his heart. I don't want to chase anymore. I only want to pursue God and myself. Now I know through all of this experience that I am called to love myself. 







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