My love goes free

Do you know what hurts so very much? It's love. Love is the strongest force in the world, and when it is blocked that means pain. There are two things we can do when this happens. We can kill that love so that it stops hurting. But the of course part of us dies, too. Or we can ask God to open up another route for that love to travel. --- The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom 

 

I couldn't feel the motivation to do anything yesterday. I wish it was a nightmare when I woke up. I went back to sleep after my morning routine because I found no purpose to go on anymore. Then, after I woke up, somehow I picked myself up again to do what needed to be done. At first I felt grief, then I felt anger toward that person. The anger was not for not being loved, but rather that he gave in so easily to his life's circumstance. I only wanted him to hurt as much as I was hurt. Whatever I said was just vitriolic bile. 

Nevertheless, I knew deep down in my heart that this was not right. I couldn't be a bitch that I said out of spite. That was not me. Despite the anger and grief I had, I still managed to film the footage of my walk for him as my final gifts. I couldn't help but crying again toward the end of my walk. I tried to hide my face in order not to be seen myself crying.  I felt sad not just for the whole limerence thing but also for what I had done to myself all these years and it seemed that I just couldn't do anything right. I could not love and be loved normally. That's the most despairing thing in the world. Because love is essential in life. But I don't want to blame my parents for that anymore. I have no cure or answer for that yet. 

Last night before bed, I started to talk to God again telling him how I felt. I did some soul searching and suddenly I decided to let go of everything. Only when I was broken like this, God's light could shine through me. His grace was sufficient for me and He knew what I needed. That person was never mine to hold on to in the first place. I was lonely and in need of a person to whom I could relate to. It was not right that I let it distract me from doing what I need to do in my life. It was selfish of me to want to control his life as well.

But I am still grateful for this to happen. Because there is a purpose in everything. If it wasn't for it, I wouldn't have learned how serious limerence could have affected me. And everything happened in the past started to make sense. I am thankful that by talking to him, I started to feel motivated and not so alone anymore. 

After watching some limerence videos on Youtube, a Dr. said limerence is a kind of love, too. I thought he would have said that it was not love but illusion. I suppose there is no right or wrong in love. I don't really know him in person and he may not feel the same as I do. What was wrong was not that I loved him but how I showed and reacted to it. I know he will never hear it but I do love him. I feel that we could be each other's best friend. Maybe in an alternative world, we could have been together when there was no so much baggage. 

In the end, I have learned that the flowers in another person's garden are beautiful whether they are mine or not. I can still appreciate and love them but I don't have to pluck to keep them as my own which is never mine. I can always love and see them whenever I pass by that garden. It is the same that I will always love him and talk to him even if he is not mine. 

Because I truly love him, I want what is best for his life. And I want what is best in my life as well.  Sometimes to love is to let go. And I am letting my love goes free.