Mismatched Age

Have you thought about how old you are? I didn't mean the calculation you got from the current year minus your birth year. But how old you really are mentally and spiritually.

A few years ago back in my 20s, I still felt like a little girl full of fear without much experience that a normal 20 something is supposed to have. When I was nineteen, I was told by the first guy I dated that I lacked confidence and acted like a dog following him around. Of course that was hurtful and an awful thing to say to someone. Besides that later I realized that there was a lot of pain in me.

Not long ago I thought of my age according to how I felt at different moments. I found that my mental/spiritual age has grown gradually. I don't know for sure how that exactly happened but it has grown from 15, 17 to now, 21. Maybe I have grown by admitting the pain and hurt in my life. Maybe I have grown through confronting the obstacles. I don't know how I come up with the digit, either. All I know is that is the number I feel right about how old I am at each moment.

I have been reading some books about healing through story-telling. I have learned to embrace my imperfection and admit the pain and hurt in my life. I don't feel ashamed for what happened in my life and in my family. Maybe that's why I have grown gradually. I am 31 years old but I act and feel like 21. Today I was just really shocked by how fast time has gone by and I have become 31 in a blink of an eye. But I am not ready to be 31, yet. I am not like 31 years old in any aspect in my life except for my ID card. A few years back when I was 27 or 28, I just told some people that how I didn't want to get married. Of course not! Because I was only a teenager mentally. I still don't because I feel like a 21 years old inside. There are still lots of things I still want to do.  Sadly, I feel like an old grandma physicslly because of my weight and the back pain problem. I am working on it so my physical age could match my mental age.

If you feel like I do, I just want you to know that yes, there are some kind of standards in this world that people expect you to be or to do. But they don't know your story. They don't know what you have been through. Maybe there is a part of you have been hiding or frozen emotionally because of pain or hurt in the past. Sometimes we have to shut down the noise from outside and listen from within. Forgive others if they do judge you. Because it is not your fault. They can keep living with their narrow-mindedness but you just move on and be free. Love yourself and give yourself time to grow.

It doesn't happen overnight but it happens without you noticing it. I pray for everyone that hasn't been able to grow emotionally, mentally and spiritually in a functional family. I pray for everyone that has struggled in their life wondering who they really are and felt that they have been left behind by their age. I pray that healing will be on your way!

Love.