Chasing after shadow

Ever since I started talking to him

Every insecurity in me comes out

It is like a mirror reflecting what is inside of me

I cannot point my finger blaming the other

Maybe this is a blessing disguised as a struggle

I am learning to let go and not to control

I am learning about rejection

Oh boy it still hurts

But I only want him to be happy 

Even when it means I won't be the one for him

Every time I think of his words of rejection, it stings my heart

However, it hurts more with the thought that my existence only causes him pain 

Now I finally understand why patient is the first description of love 

Oh boy how hard it is not to want to rush it and know the answer now

But I will refrain from asking anything prematurely 

I will just let it unfold

Even if it means that things don't go how I want them to be

But I trust that God knows what I need 

and everything I experience has a purpose

Now I finally realize that I have been chasing after shadow of perfection

An ideal job

An ideal friend

An ideal life

An ideal husband

I avoid whenever any sign of conflicts and problems appears 

I burn bridges from the ones who cared 

I never learned to be vulnerable and showed them who I really were 

I blamed them for not understanding 

Yet I held onto different masks I had been wearing

True love is more than a feeling

True love is choose to love and do what is right for each other

I love him as a person and I will love him always

But I will love myself and choose to do what is good 

I refuse to let limerence rule my life 

I want to love and be loved for real 

I don't want infatuation 

I don't want to chase after shadow anymore

I want what is real and true 

There is ego behind every desire 

There is insecurity behind every need of control 

But I can never really control anything

Now I am learning to ask myself and look within whenever there is a need unmet 

I thank You, God for his rejection for not letting the obsession run wild

I thank You for how things as they are