Unfinished

Sadly, this is the moment I know that
I will love you till the day I die
Even if you would never know it
I decide to bury it deep in my heart
despite you told me you loved me very much after a few cans of beer and asked me to join you to form a heart with our hands

Because I know how much it hurt last time when I offered my heart entrusting you with it after you persuaded me to open it. 

It ended up being tossed aside like a used rag despite it was gold

Because I know that same smile might not be only for me

Sometimes I imagine what it would be like
if I met you in our youth. 
Would you be willing to talk to me like now?
Would you ask me out on a date?
Or would you hurt me even more than you did?

It is amazing that despite how many women you slept with, flirted with or talked to.
You chose to call me, crack jokes, act silly, take me virtually to shop in supermarkets and watch all these videos and planes for hours and hours
If this isn't love, then I don't know what love is at all
And I also imagine if we were in a better state or situation, would we have had come across each other or have cared to talk to each other at all? 

Life is a mystery

I just told myself today that I didn't want to go back to how it was
I didn't want to plan my life around you when I can't see there is any effort or 
possibility of returning your love for me
I want to choose myself
I want to move forward 
even if it means I need to leave you behind
even if it means I need to leave your dear brother behind too 
I love you but I have to love myself more 
Because I want what is true and real
Because I deserve someone who doesn't think twice about committing only to me

Last time you helped me detach from an abusive toxic crush. 
This time you help me to withdraw from my impulsive hobby. 

What is preposterous is that I got into it, spending a fortune to distract myself from the heartbreak caused by you.

Using one drug to stop anothet drug can only go so far
I want to go back to neither path of destruction.
Yet here I am just realizing that I still love you

Everything about you is good 
Even the bad parts that hurt me

If I look at them from afar
I wish I could kiss your anxiety away
I wish I could drive away your loneliness
Yet I know I can't let that last guard down, however, thin it might be
I can never love you as unreserved as before you broke me 
I have started to realize that I am the one holding the power to set the boundaries.
I don't need to wait for you to understand
how inappropriate or boundary breaking 
the whole thing has been since the beginning. 
All I need to do is trust and listen to my intuition
 
I don't know what will life bring us. 

Do I have the luxury to feel the bliss with your presence and not be burned?

Is all this an illusion I allow myself to believe?

Lord, if I can still look upon You

Please take this away from me

If this is not the path I am supposed to go
Like you did so many years ago

Guide me to what is real and true
Sometimes I wonder if I am meant to be alone
Because all I have been experienced has told me so 
I can't even utter what has been bothering me when you asked
And this is the moment I clearly see the fixation of my psyche
I chose to minimalize myself to keep my comfort of not losing you 

But pain of losing myself is choking my throat