Bleu Neptune

I never knew what acceptance meant until a wise friend told me that I needed it I thought just letting go was enough But I was never able to do that  without accepting things as the way they were I refused to believe what I was told and  I was getting myself in deep by keeping on dreaming for a fantasy that never existed Oh boy it hurts to swallow the truth But it is better off this way I started to have clarity and know what is more important at hand  Yes, I still care But acceptance has etched in my head now It keeps me reminding me to love myself more I am closing a chapter behind me Maybe someday I will be free from this poison Whatever is true and real will remain

Nobody can save me Nor can I save anyone It has always been my own reflection Save yourself...

This is the dance of the present I shall not look back and worry about what is to come For in this moment I am all yours

Everytime I find myself try to hold onto something  I remind myself to let go and let go It is insecurity talking..

Ever since I started talking to him Every insecurity in me comes out It is like a mirror reflecting what is inside of me I cannot point my finger blaming the other Maybe this is a blessing disguised as a struggle I am learning to let go and not to control I am learning about rejection Oh boy it still hurts But I only want him to be happy  Even when it means I won't be the one for him Every time I think of his words of rejection, it stings my heart However, it hurts more with the thought that my existence only causes him pain  Now I finally understand why patient is the first description of love  Oh boy how hard it is not to want to rush it and know the answer now But I will refrain from asking anything prematurely  I will just let it unfold Even if it means that things don't go how I want them to be But I trust that God knows what I need  and everything I experience has a purpose Now I finally realize that I have been chasing after shadow of perfection An ideal ...

I no longer believe there is a type anymore You just love who you love 

This is a journal to record how I feel about him June 1, 2020 I got up the courage to write him, showing him my turtles and tortoises' photos. I enjoyed talking to him very much June 2, It went downhill after deleting him and telling him about my limerence toward him  June 3, We still talked but he wouldn't add me back on FB again I am not sure which day he added me back after we chatted for a few days and I felt overjoyed and I thought he also liked me  And then it all went downhill again one day he was all quiet and I tried to ask him questions to see how he was. Then came the big shocking news that he was getting married to a family friend... I acted all sad and he learned that I liked him. Then he rejected me telling me that he did not like and I was not his type and being an East Asian. :( Oh, and he deleted me on FB From that point, I really thought that would have had been the last time I talked with him. But surprisingly, he still chose to talk to me the next day....

Chapter 17: The word, blood is being mentioned 15 times in this chapter of The Voice Edition. It emphasizes that blood represents life. And God wanted Israelites to honor that and not to take it lightly. In another sense it is like tell them not to shed blood. Also blood represent atonement and which Jesus did through losing his life-blood on the cross.  Chapter 18: This chapter is about boundary concerning sexual relations. Humans are sexual beings. And God knows it well that it brings joy and pleasant but also destruction if done in a wrong circumstance. Therefore His instructed what not to do when it comes to sex. However, the verse,  You are not to have sexual relation with a man in the same way you do with a woman; such a thing is detestable. (Leviticus 18:22) is homophobic. I discusses with a friend and he said that the original text was talking about rape rather than sex between two men.  There are lots to talk about for chapter 19. And some of the good reminders i...

You can't truly live anticipating death Life can only be found in each present momemt 

Tender heart, don't anticipate the end Enjoy each moment of a dance  Nobody owns anyone  Not even in marriage or relationship It will come when it is time to part  Weary heart, don't worry about the end  Enjoy each conversation There is nothing you can do  to stop a current that pushes someone to you nor can you hold onto something that is meant to drift away  Let it go Anxious heart, don't stir up anything Enjoy every note of a song  Practice as you need For a performance is not without time spent preparing When it is time to play, you will play it well Wait in patience  Just let love drives out your fear 

It has been a great struggle reading through these chapters as usual. Being unable to observe anything really makes me want to cry and reading the rituals makes me drowsy as well. However, this all experience is just like my struggle in real life with working on my portfolio which is painstakingly slow with lots of details. And it doesn't seem to end ever.  So the priest has to burn the garment-whether it is made of wool, linen or leather-because it has some serious outbreak like leprosy and must be destroyed by fire. (Leviticus 13:52) This reminds me not only on any diseases but to prevent bad things or habits from destroying or influencing our lives. It must be destroyed and burned. In another sense, we must go through challenges in order to be set free.  Along with the grain offering on the altar. This is how the priest will cover the sin, guilt and uncleanness of the person seeking to be cleansed; this person must be considered clean once again (Leviticus 14:20) When you g...

I love you, I love you Words that I can never say to you So I turn them into my prayers for you Not to seek something out of you But wish the best for you Thank you for teaching me to love beyond race and barrier I love you, I love you It just makes me smile when I look at your photos  It is more than just a fantasy and imagination I love you, I love you Even if you snore, have bad breath and a bald head Thank you for making me feel less alone in this lonely world I love you, I love you I thought my dream was travelling to Latin America and Spain conversing in Spanish But now my biggest dream is to go out on a date with you I love you, I love you Even though I don't really know you in person And that you repetitively told me that I was not your type and all the obstacles  for you are a practical person I love who you are and your soul And I want to love deeply and unselfishly I want you to be happy  Even if you don't like me back I love you, I love you These are the words...

Everything has a purpose The pain and despair that I have been feeling has a purpose I cried and wailed asking God why I must go through this in order to learn to love myself and love Him.  Afterwards, I felt this peace that I had never felt before.  That peace reminds me not to control of anything but to trust.  Trust not that things will go as how I want them to go but rather how I need I am grateful to have met him I am grateful for the heartache and pain that I have experienced  For it wasn't him who gave me the pain  But through him, something triggered the wounds that have always been deep inside of me I accept and surrender that I do not know what's gonna happen.  I really love talking to him.  Shouldn't I focus on doing that in the presence? Talk as much as I can  And cherish each conversation we share Love deeply  There is no fear in love  and love drives out fear Love is patient and patience is surrender to the present moment L...

Sorry I didn't mean to have all these feeling I wish I could look at you differently like a brother or friend I can't stop liking you despite I know that you are not mine I used to think that I had a type  I only wanted to date certain look or race I didn't mean to look for anyone from that group  It just happened I have no words to describe or explain how it happened I thought you liked me too as we enjoy having conversation with each other I have felt the closeness through sharing details and secrets with each other I felt so hurt that you told me that you did not like me because of my race  I felt so hurt that you continued to tell me that I was not your type You are not my type, either.  But it still happened.  Why can't you look beyond the form and limitation? Why can't you be brave and fight for your life instead of letting circumstances to rule you? I have decided to accept whatever is gonna happen  Even if it still pains me greatly thinking of what ...

Sometimes to love is to do what is good for both persons Sometimes to love is to let go 

You must know the difference between the sacred and the profane, the ritually pure and the impure and teach the people of Israel the directives, which I have revealed to them through Moses. (Leviticus 10:10-11) From this verse, I learned that we are called to tell right from wrong. Discernment and wisdom are essential. If any food in the container that is ready to eat is touched by water,  then the food becomes impure. Any drink from a contaminated container will become impure as well. If any part of a dead body touches something-say, an oven or stove-then that oven or stove must be destroyed. They are impure and will always be impure to you. However if a carcass falls into a spring or a container accumulating water, the water will be ritually pure because it is continually renewed. But the person who pulls the carcass out of the water will be ritually impure. If any part of the dead body has contact with a seed that is to be planted, then the seed remains ritually pure because it ...

Do you know what hurts so very much? It's love. Love is the strongest force in the world, and when it is blocked that means pain. There are two things we can do when this happens. We can kill that love so that it stops hurting. But the of course part of us dies, too. Or we can ask God to open up another route for that love to travel. --- The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom    I couldn't feel the motivation to do anything yesterday. I wish it was a nightmare when I woke up. I went back to sleep after my morning routine because I found no purpose to go on anymore. Then, after I woke up, somehow I picked myself up again to do what needed to be done. At first I felt grief, then I felt anger toward that person. The anger was not for not being loved, but rather that he gave in so easily to his life's circumstance. I only wanted him to hurt as much as I was hurt. Whatever I said was just vitriolic bile.  Nevertheless, I knew deep down in my heart that this was not right. I could...

There is nothing you can do to make someone love you more. And there is nothing you can do to make someone love you less. But always, always love yourself. 

It has been challenging to read this book so far. I struggle to find anything to learn from yet there are still some verses stand out that I will try to interpret them.  "The fire on the alter must burn continually; it must not be allowed to go out. The priests are to feed wood to the fire every morning, arrange the burnt offering on the fire, and offer up the fat portions of the peace offerings. The fire on the altar must burn continually; it must not be allowed to go out."  (Leviticus 6:12-13) I see that fire represents our connection, faith and relationship with God. We are called to be continually be in communication with Him. And the act of feeding wood to the fire every morning can be seen as our spiritual practice or quiet time with the Lord daily. It is very essential to start practicing to take some time out of a day to connect to the Lord as well as my inner self.  "Also a person who comes into contact with something impure - whether it pertains to human or ani...

When you find a beautiful flower, you don't have to pluck it just because you like it Just leave it and let it be It is the same when you like a person You don't have to stir up something that is not ready or not meant to be  Sometimes to love is to let go  Love is free

Pain is supposed to be felt  To open it up and clean it feeling the hurt deeply There are no formulas or manuals for healing and applying a quick fix to the pain will never heal the wound For the first time I truly see clearly the real state of me  A big mess of a crying baby needing love and attention I manipulate unconsciously  I can't trust my motives behind my actions A baby wants something and is possessive of it  It is not love I am not yet the diamond But one underneath an unpolished rock For the first time I truly see the wounds in me  And nobody else can help me  I didn't know the meaning behind the time I spent reading the After series By the grace of God  Now I have realized that toward the end of the story that girl realized that she could not fix that boy  and she needed to work on her own brokenness.  I see clearly now what I have to do  I need to let go Two broken people finding warmth from each other is nothing but a fair...

Real soulmate is not created, chased and idealized.  There is nothing you can do to stop him from coming to you And it will never work trying to make someone into one. 

I want to use a different approach on recording my thoughts on Leviticus. I will just write down what I learn or observe for each chapter as it is a book more of rituals than stories.  Leviticus 4  This part of the book talks about sins and the way to atone them. And it begs the question of what sin is? I look at humans have conditions that are likely to make mistakes and fails. And this flaw and imperfection are what so called original sin. But the sins in this chapter means violating the directives instructed by God. And God showed them the ways how to make amends of the mistakes they have committed through rituals done by the designated priests. Even though I am not fond of animal sacrifice as an animal lover and a pescatarian, I can understand the reasons behind the primitive rituals.  I have observed that whenever there are any kinds of offerings, they are to make the pleasant aroma which symbolizes the state of the relationship between God and His people. ...

I am trapped in the snare I set up a moment ago Feeling drown and dizzy not knowing where to go I drank the poison made by myself  Desire, infatuation, confusion and affection blur my eyes I am not sure if those are tears or rains falling on my face while I am walking down the familiar road I cannot breathe no more I need to let go of what is not mine to hold  Have I mistaken it as a love song? Is it just another fool's fairy tale? Maybe I am an unicorn that is never meant to belong to no one  It seems so beautiful and hopeful  But I can't pretend not to hear the sad undertone I am sitting here trying to utter a word that is chocked in my chest filled with emotions Is it love or just yesterday's illusion? I told myself, silly girl,  Love yourself  Enjoy the present  Walk on the path that you are to go  I wanna be a friend and learns to love for real  But I can't keep the toxin from flowing through my veins.  and the tricks that my mind i...

God instructed His people to different rituals of offerings requiring them to choosing the best and unblemished life stocks and harvest for the priests to be sacrificed and burned so they could produce a pleasant aroma to Him. I see that these instructions symbolize that everyone does their best in their niches of life offering their best works or performances which could also be a way of worship and aromatic offering to God. I don't think God really cared about eating the food himself but rather it was a symbol to show the people to follow Him and do their best is like pleasing aroma to Him. He wants His people to be  that aroma and let God's way to continue forever.  The verse that says "Aaron's sons will then splatter the blood of the lamb against the sides of the altar" reflects that Jesus' sacrifice on the cross. 

Limerence is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated. Limerence can also be defined as an involuntary state of intense romantic desire. ----- Wikipedia Life is full of turns and surprises. I thought that after learning about CEN, Childhood Emotional Neglect and AvPD, Avoidant Personality Disorder in recent years that I have completed my collection of mental problems on top of anxiety disorder, panic attacks, Intrusive thought OCD and dysthymia. Then I stumbled upon Limerence, a condition that made me have strong romantic desire toward another person. Sure, I might really like that person, but that proportion goes out of healthy order. Could it be the Pisces sign that has jinxed me or CEN has played tricks on my attachment issue?  I have always been a very romantic person at least in my...

Reading through the Old testament is as difficult and tedious as my struggle in life now. Maybe the day when I no longer see it as a task but something I enjoy, my life will also have changed somehow.  The sins of generations mentioned by God signify the consequences of deeds done by people and can be passed down to their offspring. The same old mindsets or same toxic patterns of behaviors. And to me when God called Himself the Jealous God, it means to seek the Truth. And anything not of truth works against it.    The people of Israelites failed badly with their golden calf and completely betrayed what God had told them. However, God gave them another chance to rise again through the the stone tablets created with Moses. Same laws and ordinances were recorded again on the new tablets. I got to find some new meanings in some of the decrees. When God ordered them to give the first born and the best of their harvest, it means we are to give and do the best in our life and le...