Bleu Neptune

I opened the Pandora’s box.  And not surprisingly, I wasn’t ready to face what was to come.  All the pain and hurt surfaced and I cried my heart out in grief.  Maybe it’s a good thing, so I can face what I have been numbing  for so long with another mean.  It is like I am stuck in when whatever happened back then.  Time is passing me by.  Everything is changing around me but I am still here.  No matter how hard I have grieved, the pain wouldn’t go away.  It is like my body is filled with grief, pain, and fear wrapped up with anxiety.  I still wake up each morning hoping not to.  I still spend all of my money like there’s no tomorrow.   I am no more hopeful than a drunk. 

I will be waiting for you here on Neptune It's a bit lonely here But I will be waiting patiently for you to return It's raining diamonds here And it will all be real and sure We will be laughing at our little jokes all over again So go now I let you go believing in all faith that if we are meant to be  We will be We will find our way back to each other My love

After months  I finally found my place It took me this long to realize It hurts But let it hurt

I am not at peace I am in pain and anxiety daily with the thought of not being chosen The thought of not being committed wholeheartedly The thought of being tossed aside Why do I keep holding onto him I can be alone I am worth being committed to wholeheartedly I am worth being the priority I am not an option

We need one another I can only attribute my survival to the love and care of those that I took for granted When I look inside of me I hear a voice saying dreams Then came another saying love from others, parents, friends, and a lover But when I reach deeper, there is a small girl who longs to be loved by me She wants to be seen, heard, cared, and loved by me I spent my whole life listening to others telling me that I ain't good enough I don't even know where it came from  But there is a feeling that it is bad, embarrassing, and shameful to be me It is as if I were born to be shaped by others' ideas of how I should be

I wanted a Prince Charming since age thirteen A Tuxedo Mask with a black cloak and a red, red rose I chased after the ideal and perfection I thought that was what I wanted I chased after the phantom of an illusion being pricked by its thorns It was all on me because I could not see Then you appeared with the smile of a jester when I was licking my wounds in tears A baritone voice like a beast soothing me with warmth like a blanket I thought you were the prince to save me from my nightmare But when I came closer  You just disappeared Overwhelmed and lost, I have no time for tears I have to stand up to be my own knight to walk through the fire

If we don't accept ourselves No amount of others' validation would make us feel better Embrace every scar, spot, and flaw And change if we must from a place of self-love and self-compassion