Bleu Neptune

I used to think that I was just a loner. Now I know it is merely the symptom for desiring connection and belonging. I used to think that I just couldn't fit in. Now I know that I was never taught how to belong.

Years ago I would have avoided watching the show, Lucifer like avoiding something disgusting because of my religious belief. And now I found myself come across path with the show in my journey of deconstruction. I no longer believe that there is a evil persona constantly trying to plot plans to make me fall. I believe, as Mr. Morningstar constantly has to explain himself, that everyone needs to take responsibility of his own deeds instead of blaming the devil. Ironically, I have found myself started to find interest in faith again after watching four seasons of this series. Besides, it cracks me up that Lucifer is so sensitive to every comment about God such as a simple catchphrase like, Thank God. He is simply a guy, devil or not, with a very complicated relationship with his father. Despite his spoken hatred of God, there is a longing for His love deep down inside his heart. He seems to misunderstand everything about his father and create a maze in his own head. The main structure

I found myself at the crossroad again deciding what to let go. No, I know exactly what to let go of and it is a question of my willingness. Every decluttering that ever occured since I embarked on this journey of minimalism is like arriving at a milestone. I usually find myself struggling the most with books. I always have excuses for keeping them all. Yet I know deep down in my heart that it comes from the mindset of scarcity fearing that I would regret that someday I might need them and wouldn't be able to have access to them anymore. Rationally speaking, it is a mental burden to accumulate stuff that I might or I wish I would do someday even if the someday is say, three months later. But new things might come up three months later. Then, what am I to do with the presumed someday items? They sit there in the dust and quietly remind me of the tasks I haven't done and which brings out all the unnecessary stress. I can find almost all the books at the library.  And I only need

   I was disappointed with the last few books of the manga Goong series. Because it seems to me that their love wasn't really truly genuine as they claimed. If they truly loved each other why would they let go each other's hands so many times after going through so much hardship while no one else was there opposed them anymore. The king and queen and even the parents-in-laws approved in the end. Yet they chose to let go easily despite that it hinted that they got back together in the end.     I feel as if I was played like a fool who faithfully read until the end but found nothing there. This story should have ended way before their divorce and multiple breakups. My heart broke for them each time they tried hard to forget about each other and seeing them getting back together after each breakup really kept my hopes up and believed that they would eventually cherish and finally marry again.     The whole story plummeted when the princess still wanted to leave after consu

Something is bothering me besides the ache of longing. The guilt of having a dream collection of toys is following me like a shadow The minimalist mind wants me to let everything go Yet my heart still wants to hold onto this magical little world If I look deep within me I want to let go because I am afraid that one day I will have to say goodbye to them all because of some unspoken difficult situation. So I want to do myself a service before it all crumbles. If I look deep within me I want to hold on because it is kind of like a revenge for that child who was emotionally confused and ignored hoping that it could bring comfort and peace and amend all. If I look deep within me I want to let go because part of me still longs to see this world and cannot feel satisfied to settle. If I look deep within me I want to hold on because I hope it could bring a little bit of joy amid all chaos. This dilemma still can't be solved Meanwhile I shall enjoy them And I know the l

Everything should come to an end. This endless buying cycle of things to fill the void that cannot be filled by any other means but by simply looking within. They say, "Stop looking within yourself! Go occupied yourself with others' needs, then you will forget about your pain." And now I know how wrong they were. The problem is I never looked within myself hard and deep enough. Only when I broke away from that crowd that I started to learn more about myself. Changing is scary. And I am not sure what would happen if I let go of all things. But I will find out when it happens. I have lost things that I found my identity with. But why do I still feel ashamed of not having a job? It only means that I am still identifying myself with the content of "having a job". This is the root of the whole problem. And all my pursuing of other things like toys, photos and such are merely the means to help me to forget about the shame of not being able to find the th

I would rather visit the actual places than having them displaying on the walls.

Yesterday I saw a group of devout Christians wearing shirts delivering messages of "believe the Lord and have eternal life." Mother asked, "you don't believe in that anymore?" I said, "I don't believe in that way anymore and it is not about eternal life." Yes, I still believe and I believe so much deeper than I used to do. After leaving the religious world, I have found the true reason to believe. I don't believe so I could fit into a group. I don't believe so that I could escape hell and enter heaven. I don't believe because of peer pressure. I believe as there is no hope and joy deeper elsewhere. I believe for God is within me and with me in my every breath.

I have just realized how much I love to create. I was born to create. Art, music and languages are my world. I create design, illustration and craft for art. I write songs for music. I write for languages and use them for traveling and communication.

They say life is but a dream.  But if I am to wake up from the dreams... Why not dream of the best ones.

Oh Romantic hearts Disconnected from the reality Do people like me must live in the dream? Do we have a purpose in this world beside creating fiction that others laugh about? If we are not meant for this world Why are we feeling so strongly of certain destiny and purpose? Must we find it better in our sleep than awaking? I do not understand all this I still believe there must be a place for us Will we ever meet another heart that understand and accept us as we are? Or being dismissed as misfits for the make-believe world?

I had hard time sleeping last night and I probably only slept for a few hours then I woke up feeling this sadness in my heart. However, this sadness is different than melancholy but more like realization. Last night I read the manga series, Goong and felt heartbroken for the characters because of the cliffhanging plot. Even though I knew that I was prone to feel this way when I got too into the story. I just can not help but feeling this longing for having somebody there who could accept and love me completely for who I am. I think this will be the last manga series I will read in a long while and it is a good way to leave the world of fantasy as this series as it is so good that even my heart aches. I cannot handle my this feeling of longing for someone anymore and that thought just leads to many different introspection in myself. Beside the ache of longing for someone, I start to feel sorry for myself as I feel that I owe myself a "better life". I feel sad that I didn'

I used to think that I was good at multitasking but in truth that was just my greedy wishful thoughts.  Now I find myself the happiest focusing on one thing at a time. 

This past few days, I was back on decluttering some of my stuff because I felt the need of doing so. I felt stuck, distracted and overwhelmed by so many to-be-done and to-be-used things in my life. A language learning book sitting in the shell might seems harmless but it seems to add a unspoken burden to my mind. It always feels good to purge things that don't matter anymore in my life. It is by getting rid of stuff that I can truly focus on what is essential, like writing the blog. I really do love express myself here whether there is someone to read or not. I also like that I don't need to waste paper or accumulate physical notebooks. I do need an outlet since I have nearly no one to talk to in real life except for my online best friend that I never met in person and the therapist. So I have resolved to start writing here more often. Maybe a random stranger would be able to relate to what I share or be encouraged in some way. At least, you would know that you aren't alone

There was a long interval between writing down my understanding of Genesis 1 and the article now. And during that interval,  I read the book, Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle which has greatly opened up my inner eyes to understand spirituality and Christianity. I am by no means an expert or even a pious follower of any sort of spiritual practice. Yet, I still choose to identify myself to be a "Christian" not because of past affiliation of Christian mission or churches but simply because I know Jesus was who I turned to in the darkest days of my life. He was the sole source I found comfort and relief from. Thus, whatever labels I might have been attached, I know Jesus is my savior.  This beginning has nothing to do with the title of the article but it is important to me to reflect on my spiritual journey all these years.  Not long ago I found myself in a place of constantly wanting to criticize or questions modern churches and Christianity. I became aware of this state aft

 A murder occurred right after the fall - obtaining the knowledge of right and wrong. ( identification with mind ) and it showed the impact of being identified with one's minds. Humans no longer lived in the presence of God ( the present ). Furthermore, all kinds of "sins" ( behaviors or thoughts done for escaping the present time and true self with identification of one's mind .) appeared. Cain became fully identified with his thoughts of jealousy and no longer lived in the present to the point of plotting the murder of his very own brother. However, God did warn and remind him before this tragedy by saying, " Why are you angry, and why has your countenance fallen? If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin is lurking at the door; its desire is for you, but you must master it ." I couldn't really grasp the depth of scriptures before I read the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I merely tried to understand the surface meanin