Bleu Neptune

Six years of wandering  Six years of waywardness  Six years of waiting Six years of self-abandoning Six years of squandering Six years of searching Six years of repetitive mistakes Six years of irresponsibility Six years of causing pain to my family Six years of burning bridges Six years of living in fear and shame Six years of being lost Six years of isolation Six years of loneliness Six years of letting go of control and what I thought I knew Six years of self-discovering Six years of start of awakening Six years of healing Six years of no turning back Six years of life lessons Six years of preparation of a new beginning Six years of journey back to loving me

 This story is metaphor of one coming home to true self. I am on the journey of healing and coming home to myself. 

Israel' splitting into two nations represent the internal struggles and division within. As I see myself dealing with troubles and challenges with getting myself back on my feet and attachment injury triggered by betrayal in relationship at the same time, I finally realized why I was reading these two books of constant cycles of conflicts, betrayals and repentance. The season of endless struggles, distraction, mistakes, feeling abandoned and helplessness in life. The only solace is give up our own ego and old way and look to God or consciousness within for help. May He guide my way back to peace, love and joy. 

Poco a poco  Voy a soltar tus manos desde mi mente. Poco a poco  Voy a dejar el sueño de estar cerca contigo. Poco a poco  Voy a olvidar las risas, las lágrimas y el dolor. Poco a poco  Voy a seguir amarte a distancia.

Trying to recall what it was like before  Coping and navigating it all on my own  I did it despite feeling lonely at times  But there wasn't this much tears  I can't remember what it was like before Because I am not the same anymore I am feeling this absence of something in my heart  Part of me is still trying to revive the phantom that might not have ever existed   I am grieving for what could've have been and the part of me that died with it. 

 The sobering truth that I don't "need" anybody else. Love myself and connect authentically with others. 

Values that matter: Kindness Respect Integrity Honesty Authenticity Truthfulness And lastly, it's difficult to accept but essential : Freedom of choice given to each other. 

Gazing with mysterious eyes of melancholy. A lonely soul feels the little wave turns into a surge when more stories unvailed. Too afraid to knock on the door with the uncertain heart.  One day courage leads her on the journey. Feeling wonder recognizing the hurt and unhealed wounds, similar yet different like a coin of two sides.  She wishes she were there by his side through the difficult times and loneliness so neither of them needed to hide.  Even though she got pricked by occasionally unforeseeable storms splashing out of him. She is vulnerable yet strong because of love Strong wind and rain washing over her opening up her eyes to see her own wounds and hurts  The boy always stares away with secrets in his eyes She just wishes she could open up his mind to see a little bit more than the dark dark world he's so used to so his eyes could shine a little.  Life is too short to live in regrets She understands everything and just hides her pain well. Every night she opens up her hand

If I could go back to the past as who I am now, I would have made different decisions on many things.  If I were the same person as before, then I would still have had done the same things.  But I can never go back to the past. I can only make a difference now.  So never look back. I am who I am now only because the choices I made.