Bleu Neptune

It's been easier that the pain isn't as strong.  I have started to be able to enjoy simple things I do at each moment . I have felt an ease I hadn't felt since so long. Yet I cannot help but observing you from afar. How I wish you were able to feel how much I loved you and I still do How I wish you were able to connect to yourself within and feel Words have been spoken Poems have been written Tears have been collected in a jar and Pains have been felt  Yet you still cannot see me  You left me hanging here holding a hope that was never really there Being humiliated, devalued and rendered insignificant became my sentence from you for daring to attempt a connection with your heart and soul.  I don't regret having ever loved you Even if you won't even dwell on a thought of me. I have loved foolishly  Yet I loved with all my heart In love, I was so rich that the biggest wealth in the world cannot compete with me.  But where can I go from here? It would be foolish to stay

It's not the cactus's fault that you are  pricked. For it didn't choose to be touched. It doesn't know how not to be prickly. It is not the rose's fault that you are bleeding. For its beauty comes with a price.  It didn't ask you to pluck it. It doesn't matter how toxic someone is. Do you love yourself enough to detach  yourself from them?

What is love? I thought I knew the best definition I ran into a quiet boy who was similar to me  I thought I could had trusted him I thought I had finally found the one for me Oh then why it hurt so much  When his words cut through my heart unexpectedly  I loved him with all my heart, my soul, my body and every cell of my being  I dreamed of dancing under the moonlight with him and holding his hand running in the rain  Oh then why it hurt so much  When his words cut through my heart  unexpectedly  The precious moments of singing songs with him in harmony and I felt so close to him. I loved hearing his laughter that sounded like music to my ears Oh then why it hurt so much When his words cut through my heart unexpectedly How I wished I could be close to him  But I knew it would only hurt me  I thought friendship was the only way to be there for him Only to learn that I had to let him be  Hoping that eventually he'll be the love he never felt before And I will be the love that I need

Staying single is like a breeze Something I have excelled since being at the womb of my mother I have been single forever if you don't count that short-lived dating experience in one summer of Australia, a budding but not-meant-to-be relationship that I flew thousands of miles into a snowland for and several crushes turned into crashes.  I have always been as true as my sign of Pisces and personality type INFP...a hopeless romantic person. Many days are spent day dreaming of finally meeting that one person that sees me and understand each other's thoughts. A connection of heart, mind, body and soul.  No distance is too far. Nothing seems like an obstacle in my eyes. As long as we love each other. But I just ended up facing disappointment after disappointment, heartache after heartache, tears that could drown the ocean.  Until I learned that all romance is fiction. Love songs, novels and movies are bullcraps to brainwash someone with a sensitive heart like me into believing fair

Crying alone in my room  Having a conversation with myself Letting the tears to wash over my wound Grieving and embracing all the pain and loss Questioning my worth and lovability Being a good girl and understanding  Seeing all the patterns of the past  I burn with all my love  I would go to the end of the earth for that one soul  Only finding out that it has all been a big disapppointment in the end Letting go of resentment  Letting go of all the striving to prove my worth  Letting go of what I have been holding onto for dear life No longer abandoning myself  Having the peace back again Will there be someone who can see me? That I am not too much All I want is simplicity  A connection of soul and heart with authenticity, honesty, respect, mutual growth, commitment and love I still need time to grieve I don't know how long it is gonna be  But I don't want to repeat the same old story  I will try with all my might to seek healing  Even if everyone is leaving me  I will always be

Six years of wandering  Six years of waywardness  Six years of waiting Six years of self-abandoning Six years of squandering Six years of searching Six years of repetitive mistakes Six years of irresponsibility Six years of causing pain to my family Six years of burning bridges Six years of living in fear and shame Six years of being lost Six years of isolation Six years of loneliness Six years of letting go of control and what I thought I knew Six years of self-discovering Six years of start of awakening Six years of healing Six years of no turning back Six years of life lessons Six years of preparation of a new beginning Six years of journey back to loving me

 This story is metaphor of one coming home to true self. I am on the journey of healing and coming home to myself. 

Israel' splitting into two nations represent the internal struggles and division within. As I see myself dealing with troubles and challenges with getting myself back on my feet and attachment injury triggered by betrayal in relationship at the same time, I finally realized why I was reading these two books of constant cycles of conflicts, betrayals and repentance. The season of endless struggles, distraction, mistakes, feeling abandoned and helplessness in life. The only solace is give up our own ego and old way and look to God or consciousness within for help. May He guide my way back to peace, love and joy. 

Poco a poco  Voy a soltar tus manos desde mi mente. Poco a poco  Voy a dejar el sueño de estar cerca contigo. Poco a poco  Voy a olvidar las risas, las lágrimas y el dolor. Poco a poco  Voy a seguir amarte a distancia.

Trying to recall what it was like before  Coping and navigating it all on my own  I did it despite feeling lonely at times  But there wasn't this much tears  I can't remember what it was like before Because I am not the same anymore I am feeling this absence of something in my heart  Part of me is still trying to revive the phantom that might not have ever existed   I am grieving for what could've have been and the part of me that died with it. 

 The sobering truth that I don't "need" anybody else. Love myself and connect authentically with others. 

Values that matter: Kindness Respect Integrity Honesty Authenticity Truthfulness And lastly, it's difficult to accept but essential : Freedom of choice given to each other. 

Gazing with mysterious eyes of melancholy. A lonely soul feels the little wave turns into a surge when more stories unvailed. Too afraid to knock on the door with the uncertain heart.  One day courage leads her on the journey. Feeling wonder recognizing the hurt and unhealed wounds, similar yet different like a coin of two sides.  She wishes she were there by his side through the difficult times and loneliness so neither of them needed to hide.  Even though she got pricked by occasionally unforeseeable storms splashing out of him. She is vulnerable yet strong because of love Strong wind and rain washing over her opening up her eyes to see her own wounds and hurts  The boy always stares away with secrets in his eyes She just wishes she could open up his mind to see a little bit more than the dark dark world he's so used to so his eyes could shine a little.  Life is too short to live in regrets She understands everything and just hides her pain well. Every night she opens up her hand

If I could go back to the past as who I am now, I would have made different decisions on many things.  If I were the same person as before, then I would still have had done the same things.  But I can never go back to the past. I can only make a difference now.  So never look back. I am who I am now only because the choices I made.