Bleu Neptune

One day God decided to speak to the people of Israel directly and told them about the rules to follow. I got lost easily among the words of the rules set by God and I failed to grasp the essential message out of these chapters. I didn't know what else to do so I just kept on reading. Then, today I have decided that I have to deal with it head-on instead of drifting further away. All in all, it is a story about God setting up guidelines for the people that He had rescued from Egypt and He wanted them to follow Him through these rules while being wandering in the wilderness. To think about it, what a privilege to be spoken to by God directly! I cannot imagine what it was like. It was described as a scary scene with no shortage of natural phenomenons. The people must have been panicked over being in a middle of nowhere and then having to meet God. Maybe that's why God doesn't do it that way much anymore. Even though I am not even sure it actually happened. I felt repulsed ...

These chapters are mainly about the Israelites' constant struggle being in the desert. They lost their faith easily, yet God again and again reminded them that He was their provider. This reminds me that God has provided what I need through my family as well. Even though it's been nerve-wrecking each time money is running out. And I am not sure how long I will get out of this state. The Israelites' constant complaining and desire of getting out of the moment of torture reminds myself of my own impatience. I also constantly only want to get to the next moment and avoid discomfort. But the discomfort of the moment is a necessary lesson to learn. The constant need for looking for the next thing keep us from living in the moment which is the only thing that is real. I also observed that Moses was a man that liked to do things on his own carrying all the burden. But his father-in-law pointed out that the task would only wear Moses down sooner or later. So he suggested him to...

I have fallen again into this loop of trying to figure out if the story actually took place and if God actually killed these people. I totally forgot to just find morals and principles to learn from the story. I don't believe in a cruel God. I still have lots of questions and find it hard to connect Jesus to God of the old testament. Because He seemed powerful and saved His people yet was ruthless toward His other creations. The best way for me to get of this dilemma is to accept that the "people" or "enemy" that killed by God or ordered to killed by God symbolize difficulty, hardships and challenges in our lives. And God is always there guiding us and ready to come to our rescue to bring us back to the "promised land". I have noticed that yeast was directed by God not to be consumed and ordered not to keep any bread with yeast around. For what I know yeast is supposed to be very healthy. I don't understand the reason behind not eating it. But it...

There are many questions rising reading through these eventful chapters such as why God went through all the troubles so patiently planning every detail since He could've just brought the people of Israel out right away. But He insisted that they go to a desert and have festival in honor of Him. As a human being, our instinct would've had the Israelites flee from the oppression of Pharaoh as soon as possible. Metaphorically speaking, all of the events represent circumstances in our lives that might happen or have happened. And God is willing to go through all the troubles and details patiently with us despite we might not understand it. And Pharaoh represents the tenacious challenges and hardships that keep striking us. When I read that God turned the water into blood through the hands of Aaron, I think of Jesus sacrificing Himself and spilling his own blood for the whole human race. Before Jesus came, water was turned into blood and later Jesus turned water into wine which...

Standing here alone looking from the outside Seeing brides and grooms pair by pair I am not feeling sad nor jealousy but relief to learn that I do not need to play by the same rule I have come to acceptance of the state that I am For everyone's got their own story and difficulty For the first time I no longer crave for fantasy I want to live for real in this reality I will feel if overwhelming waves come crashing over me Obsession comes and goes and it is just mind's tricky game. I'm sorry, body,  for mistreating you for so long That I abused you because of the empty hole inside of me But from now on let me take care of you And let me wrap around you and feel the pain together Body, I will learn to trust your guidance and rest when I need it For you are the temple of my soul I have faith in you and trust you that you will restore it on your own pace All I need to do is to nurture you and wait patiently with you

Being plagued by insomnia and unexpected obsession dawned upon me that it is not that some people have the gift of singleness, but it is the only way for them to live and thrive. For there is toxin in them,  whenever any tiny bit of romance appears The toxin in them automatically turns it into obsession and infactuation. They simply don't have the skills and ability to love healthily.  Romantic love simply drowns them. I am not sure if the cure and healing will ever come  But I have come to acceptance that  I must focus on myself and remain single for as long as it is necessary.  Maybe someday I will be able to love for real

Obsession is not love. It is just your mind playing tricks with you repetively. Love is substantial reciprocation.

I must not stop Even if all I could do today is just take one tiny step If I stop for too long it would be harder to pick myself up again I can rest But I must keep walking everyday one step at a time

Sure, the mountains are high, but don't keep looking at it getting all overwhelmed. Focus on the steps ahead of you. Take one step at a time.

This entry on these chapters is highly personalized by my situation. God is using this story to teach me something more about my life. Besides, I cannot help but assuming that Moses might have had traits of avoidant personality disorder for his lack of self-esteem, articulation and his constant rejecting the job of doing what God directed him to do. And it was interesting to see how God tried to reason and negotiate with Moses. Then finally, God Himself compromised and came up with a plan that Moses' biological brother, Aaron would be the spokesperson. God's words of negotiation were actually very encouraging. He declared that He is the one who gives a person a mouth to speak and another doesn't, meaning that He is the Creator of all things. He is behind anything that could happen. Thus we shall not have fear. Even though Moses' stubbornness was beyond repair. I was in a insomniac state while I was reading through these three chapters. I could almost feel a tiny bit o...

I was talking to a friend about politics the other day and the sentence he mentioned, "Freedom is not free" dawned upon me. Even though what that friend meant for the sentence was blood shedding revolution for freedom, it made me start introspecting my life. I am a person who is all about freedom, even though I appear to be cautious owing to my personality type. I used to think if you really love something, you must have as much of it as possible. And it was all or nothing for me. But over the years as I grew and after learning about minimalism. All or nothing actually doesn't really apply to most things in life. I have learned about what it means to set boundary in relationships and have a guideline for something.  Freedom is indeed not free, especially, when I am suffering from insomnia because of my poor sleep hygiene. I enjoyed or even addicted to the thrill of staying up and being awake alone in the dark doing whatever I wanted. I seemed free, didn't I? But it ...

Finally, I have reached this part of Bible that I have been anticipating. I couldn't help feeling a bit awe while reading it and carefully mull over every word. This book means a lot to me not only because that I found myself being in a desert of every aspect of my life longing to find the way out  but also that I relate to how Moses explained his son's name, Gershom, "I have been an outsider in a foreign land."  I feel like an exile being out of place despite that I am in my physical homeland. These chapters are the prelude of Israelite's great mission back to their promised land. After generations and generations, their people grew to be large in number and in strength that the new king of Egypt feared that they might turn against Egypt one day. So he made a couple of orders to try to slow down or stop their growing rate. However, a baby boy from the Levi tribe, was spared from this cruel rule. He was placed by his own mother in a basket, which was the same He...

The first thing I have observed from last chapters was the number one-fifth, when Joseph told the Egyptians who had sold their lands and themselves as slaves to give one-fifth of what they produce to Pharaoh. It is no coincidence for the same proportional number to appear again. I will keep that in mind and to save one-fifth of what I earn in the future as emergency funds which can't be used absolutely except for real need at hand. Then, it begs the question of what about the other four-fifth? I will divide them into other four categories. The common expense in our life are usually categorized into Food, Living(rent or loan), Transportation and Miscellaneous (which includes clothing, entertainment, educational fee, medical expense, etc). But as I am still in debt, I will need to use a different approach. I will set first one as  Fixed Necessity  (including food, rent, transportation, medical expense and electricity bill), Miscellaneous Expense  (it varies from toilet pa...

Finally, the story of Genesis has come to an end. And it also means the end of Jacob and Joseph's lives and which signifies the beginning of a new era. A era of hardship, pain and sweat but full of miracles and God's grace. In this story God spoke to Jacob again and reassured him about the plan of moving his whole household to Egypt for the famine was severe and there was no food left anywhere else. God also promised him that one day He will bring them all back to the promised land. I wonder why exactly it is important for them to go back to that place. In the beginning it was a place Abraham was ordered to move into. And ever since then it was deemed as their promised land. That land might mean a lot to the Hebrew people in the bible, but seemingly, it really doesn't mean much to the rest of our readers as we might not even set foot on it in our lifetime, let alone to reside there. But everything starts to make sense when I look at it metaphorically. The promised land ...

I find myself preferring quietness as music these days If only I could shut down the noise in my head I am hearing the song yet not listening to it Where are the days that I spent dreaming? I hope I haven't been gone for too long I want to live all over again To feel the wind brush through my face To lie down on the grass to observe the clouds again I want to feel again the sheer joy of listening to the strings of bass and guitar intertwining in harmony It is easier to let go of yesterday When all I feel is today's sorrow If only I wouldn't get lost in tomorrow I am seeing words but not reading them Where are the lights that were guiding me through darkness? I hope it's not too late to embrace the intrinsic me I want to live authentically without regrets To be in the moment of now connecting to the world from the inside out. To learn that I don't need to find something to fill the emptiness I want to seize and hold ...

These chapters are prelude of the climax of Genesis right before Israel's whole household moving to Egypt and the old man's reunion with his long lost son, Joseph. The story consists of lots of conversations and interaction between Joseph and the brothers and between the brothers and Jacob. So it was very easy to read through them. In the beginning, Jacob told his sons not to keep sitting there looking at each other, while he heard they had grains for sale in Egypt. When famine is severe and food is running out, hunger is the first challenge at hand needs to be deal with. Food is human basic needs for living. So Jacob urged their sons to take actions instead of sitting around.  And it is a great principle for me to learn from as I have been in financial problem and I need to be able to feed myself in order to live. Actions needed to be taken. I bet the brothers were full of doubts before and during the trip to Egypt. They must have been unsure what was to come being in a fore...

I am not sure what I can get out of reading the bible and writing out my thoughts. I have been doing this continuously for days. But it means something as I haven't done this for ages and I didn't do much even back then when I was in that evangelical crowd and working as a missionary. I suppose I am trying to find some sort of connection whether to God or to my life, which is so structure-less without any routines. Although I loathe the idea of doing the Bible reading so my soul could be saved or I could be a better "Christian", it is amazing that I have had come this far with Genesis. After the long period of not reading anything, I really thought this little project of mine was going to be abandoned. I was even going to delete what I wrote about the first few chapters and call it quits the whole thing. Unbeknownst to me, watching that TV show, Lucifer, really got me interested in connecting to my faith again. Yet, reading the Bible is like life and climbing a moun...

I've always wondered what the purpose of including the long list of hard to pronounce names in the bible is. There are very few of them are even remembered by anyone. And to be honest reading through a whole chapter of just genealogy is really sleep inducing let alone being able to enjoy it. But it gave a a different perspective when I started to think of each name was a human being and God remembered each one of them. It gives me comfort to think that no matter how insignificant we feel we are, we am remembered by Him even if our names are not written down in the bible. Furthermore, there are quite a few questions appeared on my mind along reading these chapters. What exactly is wicked in God's eyes? Because it always bewildered me when I read "God" put some people to death and only mentioned that they were wicked and nothing else. Judah's first son died because he was wicked, yet Reuben, who slept with his father's concubine wasn't put to death for the...

From the previous story, God told Jacob to leave behind his father-in-law who continuously manipulated and deceived him and to return to the land of  his ancestors. This command for Jacob is not simply going back to a physical place, but also facing the grave mistake he made in the past toward his brother. God knew that in order for Jacob to move on with his life, he needed to deal with his past. And Jacob himself knew that sooner or later he would have to face his own demons and consequences despite of being frightened and scared to death of the unforeseeable outcome. One interesting event happened right before he was about to face his fear. A random "man" appeared and started wrestling with him. And Jacob's winning showed his determination and desperation for blessing for dealing with his past. Even though I am not sure if that man was God or just one of His messengers, it was amusing that he just struck Jacob's hip socket to stop him from winning. And I interpr...

Frankly, Jacob is one of the characters in the bible that is very hard to like. He is a major trickster and that trait runs in his family. His mother helped him to trick her own son, his twin brother by lying to her husband, his father for blessing. As much as I don't like this family, but isn't it just like any other dysfunctional family nowadays? He deceived his own father and brother and became a exiled deceiver. Then, this time he got to taste his own medicine by being deceived to being married to a wrong daughter of Laban. And he kept on being deceived for overworking with little payments even after being married with Rachel. So clearly, this thing either called karma or consequence is real. Ergo, being honest and having integrity is always the best policy. Further more, it's hard not to notice that some members of the families recorded in Genesis since the beginning all eventually fell out and needed to part way. It is normal for people to want to have good and cl...