Bleu Neptune

Lately, the Spain team's winning of the World Cup again has awakened something in me. It was back in 2010, I witnessed the team that I had supported since 2002 to become a champion. During those years, I also became a person who was able to speak Spanish. Then, fast forward, I moved back home from abroad, I got stuck and lost in life. I feel like that I have been sleeping for at least 10 years since 2015~ 2016 or so... or even longer than that. I am not sure if it is ADHD/AuDHD/AvPD, being an INFP, a 9w1 in the Enneagram or something in my astrology chart (Yeah, I spent years digging into the rabbit hole of typology trying to find explainations for the dysfunction in me), but I see myself letting my life pass by in a hazzy dream. I seriously want to wake up and get myself into action. I got distracted by many things that have been comfort and crutches to me over these years. I can't seem to start doing things that I truly care about. This inability to start doing what truly mat...

I love to write, even if no one reads it. I love to sing, even if no one hears it.

I will always love you, even though I am not good at saying these words out loud to you. I don't want it to be a burden to you. I don't understand the shift, nor do you comprehend my love for you. It is deeper than feeling. My love started to grow for you from all the laughter, the silly nonsense we shared, the games we played, the videos we watched, and the supermarket and airport trips you took me to. How could I not love you? Not to mention the rare moments when you opened up your heart and shared your struggles You can't expect closeness without me falling for you. Your withdrawal and pushing me away arrived unexpectedly, with words cutting my heart like a knife. I always mirror what you give me. So, this time, I said some words that prompted you to say goodbye abruptly. You're my sunshine. You make me smile like a sunflower beaming back at the sun. But at times, you're also the one pouring rain on me. Somehow, I have a feeling that I have to let you be, even if...

Fighting against the attachment is like fighting gravity. I am just learning to live with it while not getting burned.

I can hear the echo of my empty heart. But I will be alright.  I am safe at last, albeit still shaking after departing the storm I no longer want to participate in this push-and-pull game. I left without looking back before you could abandon me once more. Well, you already have when you said your goodbye so easily. I walked away and stopped talking as you wished. There will be no revenge, for I want to erase you from my head like we have never met before. I no longer want to see your face nor hear your name. A few well-meaning people want to give me prayers. It is easy to throw around words. Do they really know the pain or have they walked in my shoes? I no longer align with what I used to believe I will sit with my pain and help myself to heal Yes, I choose myself.  I choose to embrace the wounded child inside.  Now I see how cheap being a "good friend" is.  Now I see how words could be so meaningless.  Now I see how something you once thought was precious coul...

To love myself is the only mission I have, and everything else will fall into place accordingly.  Setting boundaries, both internally andexternally, is the first step.  True freedom comes from self-discipline.

似乎所有發生的事情都是意義的, 一切都環環相扣, 一次一次遇見的人讓我經歷的痛苦， 帶領著我走入內心的那個黑洞， 喚醒我忘記的真正的自我。 因為失去讓我找尋浮木能夠不溺斃，我找到了一個人，但他只是幻影，身上充滿著刺傷我的荊棘。 我又遇見另一個人，他像太陽一般照耀著我，讓我跟到溫暖，我誤認那會是永遠，但沒看到他的陽光身後的黑影跟破碎。我被他一次一次地灼傷了，但是我不願放手，因為我一直記得他的溫暖，只是他照耀的不只是我，他說他從來都不在，我的傷是我自己造成的。 我繼續抓著另一個東西，我抓住了礦物水晶的收藏，但失去了讓我生活無憂的金錢。而這次我選擇沉浸在虛幻的戲劇世間，讓我逃離現實帶跟我的無力感，似乎透過主角跟劇情我也在那些世界裡活過了。 我發現每當接近結局之時，我會不忍去看，並不是不能接受會發生的事情，因為我重看了《蒼蘭訣》，我早已經知道結局，我所不願去面對的是結束之後我又要回到現實，我不願從夢中醒來，因為沒有任何人在那如我愛他一般愛著我。 一部又一部帶領著我到《永夜星河》，我原本以為它不可能跟《長相思》跟《蒼蘭訣》帶給我一樣的震撼，我覺得不可能有能夠超越這兩部的劇了。 《長相思》裡相柳在戰死前不求回報地默默地替小夭完成她所需所想所愛，也不願讓她知道是他所做的，甚至把他從她的鏡中記憶抹去，只願她一生無憂。我看完我無法停止地哭泣，覺得沒有任何可以慰藉我被悲傷啃食的心，一方面我被感動，覺得我必須跟相柳一樣默默地愛著跟付出不求回報，另一方面感受到讓人窒息的孤寂跟絕望，覺得連他的好跟愛都不會被知道跟記得，就如同我所付出跟給予的愛不被看見跟感受到，如同那永恆孤寂的遙遠的冥王星。 而《蒼蘭訣》裡小蘭花跟大木頭的愛深深地吸引著我，東方青蒼一心只看得到跟愛著小蘭花，呵護並寵愛著她，向反對的人確切堅定地展示自己對她的獨愛，彼此雙向奔赴的愛願意為了對方犧牲自己，不可能有比這個更美更真的愛了，這也是我內心所渴望的，但是現實中真的存在嗎？也許只在幻想的國度裡。 因此在這兩部之後，我不覺得還能夠有比他們能勾動我的心了，然後在我不留神地看完《永夜星河》還在困惑未讀懂它的結局時，它也牽動了現實生活中的我。 浮舟最後寫的「人在什麼時候才可以愛另一人愛到100%？不是當我愛你愛到超過愛自己的時候，而是只有當我真心喜歡自己，相信我自己的時候，我才能全心全意真正的愛你」。先讓我有所感悟，讓我想起跟那個人所發...

True love is rare.  People marry for many reasons, often based on illusions or fantasies, and then end up getting divorced due to disillusionment, among other things.

I can only love as much as you love me. I can only mirror what you have given me.  It is protective to be transactional on the receiving end of the emotional unavailability.  I used to think it was a curse to be a Bermuda feeling lost in the ocean of everyone else's voices.  Now I know mirroring is my strength.  Mirroring is my protection.  I won't give more than what I receive.  I am the epitome of 3, 6, and 9, the key to the universe. I am a detector of anything sharp and harsh, and a symbol of harmony. I am the full moon shining bright in the darkness.   

You are absoulte Freedom. I am Absolute Love. Love has decided to let go of freedom. Even though I once read:  "Love is nothing without Freedom and Freedom is nowhere without Love." I once believed maybe we could be. But I can't make you see me. I can't make you love me. I can't not be me. I really had no intention of letting you in, if you didn't eagerly knocking on my door and persuaded me with your sweet words like finding a rare treasure. At one point you were even afraid of losing me. Little did I know, you went around the town knocking from door to door as you pleased. I have to shut the door as you came in and asked for the warmth of a lover but paid with a price of a friend. You never intended to stay.  Once I chose to love you against all odds, even though it cut me into pieces. The pain haunted me in my sleep. If I could choose this time I choose to set you free Let Freedom be Freedom And Love will be me It is better to be a stranger than more than a...

Sadly, this is the moment I know that I will love you till the day I die Even if you would never know it I decide to bury it deep in my heart despite you told me you loved me very much after a few cans of beer and asked me to join you to form a heart with our hands Because I know how much it hurt last time when I offered my heart entrusting you with it after you persuaded me to open it.  It ended up being tossed aside like a used rag despite it was gold Because I know that same smile might not be only for me Sometimes I imagine what it would be like if I met you in our youth.  Would you be willing to talk to me like now? Would you ask me out on a date? Or would you hurt me even more than you did? It is amazing that despite how many women you slept with, flirted with or talked to. You chose to call me, crack jokes, act silly, take me virtually to shop in supermarkets and watch all these videos and planes for hours and hours If this isn't love, then I don't know what love is at ...

I never did drugs, but you became my opium, cocaine and heroin.  I tried really hard to replace you with what money could buy.  But I am about to relapse after more than one year of withdrawal upon seeing your blue eyes.  I resisted seeing your face and hearing your voice and attempted to throw you into the dungeon.  But you haunted me in my thoughts and dreams I still willingly listen to whatever you want to say. You aren't even a prince.  You are merely a troll and jester.  Yet, you still make me smile brighter than the sun.  I fear that I still gravitate towards you.  I fear that I might lose you again after getting used to your presence.  I fear that all this talking is like grasping sand in the wind.  But I love you. The only thing I know it is true.  It is more than wanting to trap you.  It is like a warm and long hug I have been wanting to give you with my soul and whole being.  It is alright to love with boundaries...

I see your name and it stirs an ache in my chest Once we were friends Once we were almost lovers Now we are nothing more than strangers.

Of all the elements, what can one live without?  Here is the order of elements, from what will impact us the most immediately to least urgent, when one of the them is absent :  Air > Water > Earth > Fire  Air: We die if we can't breathe air within three minutes.  Water: We can only survive without water for three days.  Earth: Earth grows food. Without food, we can only survive for a week. And earth is the ground we stand upon.  Fire: Fire is the least needed element. We can live on raw food and water alone. However, life would seem to miss some sparks or flavors. Fire is the driving force and passion that ignites life.  The order of the elements, from most to least, on my astrology chart is: Water > Fire > Earth > Air  The element of air is zero. It makes me wonder what that signifies if the element is absent in me esoterically, if the air is so important for a living being. It reflects on my struggle with the suffocation and st...

I opened the Pandora’s box.  And not surprisingly, I wasn’t ready to face what was to come.  All the pain and hurt surfaced and I cried my heart out in grief.  Maybe it’s a good thing, so I can face what I have been numbing  for so long with another mean.  It is like I am stuck in when whatever happened back then.  Time is passing me by.  Everything is changing around me but I am still here.  No matter how hard I have grieved, the pain wouldn’t go away.  It is like my body is filled with grief, pain, and fear wrapped up with anxiety.  I still wake up each morning hoping not to.  I still spend all of my money like there’s no tomorrow.   I am no more hopeful than a drunk. 

I will be waiting for you here on Neptune It's a bit lonely here But I will be waiting patiently for you to return It's raining diamonds here And it will all be real and sure We will be laughing at our little jokes all over again So go now I let you go believing in all faith that if we are meant to be  We will be We will find our way back to each other My love

After months  I finally found my place It took me this long to realize It hurts But let it hurt

I am not at peace I am in pain and anxiety daily with the thought of not being chosen The thought of not being committed wholeheartedly The thought of being tossed aside Why do I keep holding onto him I can be alone I am worth being committed to wholeheartedly I am worth being the priority I am not an option

We need one another I can only attribute my survival to the love and care of those that I took for granted When I look inside of me I hear a voice saying dreams Then came another saying love from others, parents, friends, and a lover But when I reach deeper, there is a small girl who longs to be loved by me She wants to be seen, heard, cared, and loved by me I spent my whole life listening to others telling me that I ain't good enough I don't even know where it came from  But there is a feeling that it is bad, embarrassing, and shameful to be me It is as if I were born to be shaped by others' ideas of how I should be

I wanted a Prince Charming since age thirteen A Tuxedo Mask with a black cloak and a red, red rose I chased after the ideal and perfection I thought that was what I wanted I chased after the phantom of an illusion being pricked by its thorns It was all on me because I could not see Then you appeared with the smile of a jester when I was licking my wounds in tears A baritone voice like a beast soothing me with warmth like a blanket I thought you were the prince to save me from my nightmare But when I came closer  You just disappeared Overwhelmed and lost, I have no time for tears I have to stand up to be my own knight to walk through the fire