Bleu Neptune

True love is rare.  People marry for many reasons, often based on illusions or fantasies, and then end up getting divorced due to disillusionment, among other things.

I can only love as much as you love me. I can only mirror what you have given me.  It is protective to be transactional on the receiving end of the emotional unavailability.  I used to think it was a curse to be a Bermuda feeling lost in the ocean of everyone else's voices.  Now I know mirroring is my strength.  Mirroring is my protection.  I won't give more than what I receive.  I am the epitome of 3, 6, and 9, the key to the universe. I am a detector of anything sharp and harsh, and a symbol of harmony. I am the full moon shining bright in the darkness.   

You are absoulte Freedom. I am Absolute Love. Love has decided to let go of freedom. Even though I once read:  "Love is nothing without Freedom and Freedom is nowhere without Love." I once believed maybe we could be. But I can't make you see me. I can't make you love me. I can't not be me. I really had no intention of letting you in, if you didn't eagerly knocking on my door and persuaded me with your sweet words like finding a rare treasure. At one point you were even afraid of losing me. Little did I know, you went around the town knocking from door to door as you pleased. I have to shut the door as you came in and asked for the warmth of a lover but paid with a price of a friend. You never intended to stay.  Once I chose to love you against all odds, even though it cut me into pieces. The pain haunted me in my sleep. If I could choose this time I choose to set you free Let Freedom be Freedom And Love will be me It is better to be a stranger than more than a...

Sadly, this is the moment I know that I will love you till the day I die Even if you would never know it I decide to bury it deep in my heart despite you told me you loved me very much after a few cans of beer and asked me to join you to form a heart with our hands Because I know how much it hurt last time when I offered my heart entrusting you with it after you persuaded me to open it.  It ended up being tossed aside like a used rag despite it was gold Because I know that same smile might not be only for me Sometimes I imagine what it would be like if I met you in our youth.  Would you be willing to talk to me like now? Would you ask me out on a date? Or would you hurt me even more than you did? It is amazing that despite how many women you slept with, flirted with or talked to. You chose to call me, crack jokes, act silly, take me virtually to shop in supermarkets and watch all these videos and planes for hours and hours If this isn't love, then I don't know what love is at ...

I never did drugs, but you became my opium, cocaine and heroin.  I tried really hard to replace you with what money could buy.  But I am about to relapse after more than one year of withdrawal upon seeing your blue eyes.  I resisted seeing your face and hearing your voice and attempted to throw you into the dungeon.  But you haunted me in my thoughts and dreams I still willingly listen to whatever you want to say. You aren't even a prince.  You are merely a troll and jester.  Yet, you still make me smile brighter than the sun.  I fear that I still gravitate towards you.  I fear that I might lose you again after getting used to your presence.  I fear that all this talking is like grasping sand in the wind.  But I love you. The only thing I know it is true.  It is more than wanting to trap you.  It is like a warm and long hug I have been wanting to give you with my soul and whole being.  It is alright to love with boundaries...

I see your name and it stirs an ache in my chest Once we were friends Once we were almost lovers Now we are nothing more than strangers.

Of all the elements, what can one live without?  Here is the order of elements, from what will impact us the most immediately to least urgent, when one of the them is absent :  Air > Water > Earth > Fire  Air: We die if we can't breathe air within three minutes.  Water: We can only survive without water for three days.  Earth: Earth grows food. Without food, we can only survive for a week. And earth is the ground we stand upon.  Fire: Fire is the least needed element. We can live on raw food and water alone. However, life would seem to miss some sparks or flavors. Fire is the driving force and passion that ignites life.  The order of the elements, from most to least, on my astrology chart is: Water > Fire > Earth > Air  The element of air is zero. It makes me wonder what that signifies if the element is absent in me esoterically, if the air is so important for a living being. It reflects on my struggle with the suffocation and st...

I opened the Pandora’s box.  And not surprisingly, I wasn’t ready to face what was to come.  All the pain and hurt surfaced and I cried my heart out in grief.  Maybe it’s a good thing, so I can face what I have been numbing  for so long with another mean.  It is like I am stuck in when whatever happened back then.  Time is passing me by.  Everything is changing around me but I am still here.  No matter how hard I have grieved, the pain wouldn’t go away.  It is like my body is filled with grief, pain, and fear wrapped up with anxiety.  I still wake up each morning hoping not to.  I still spend all of my money like there’s no tomorrow.   I am no more hopeful than a drunk. 

I will be waiting for you here on Neptune It's a bit lonely here But I will be waiting patiently for you to return It's raining diamonds here And it will all be real and sure We will be laughing at our little jokes all over again So go now I let you go believing in all faith that if we are meant to be  We will be We will find our way back to each other My love

After months  I finally found my place It took me this long to realize It hurts But let it hurt

I am not at peace I am in pain and anxiety daily with the thought of not being chosen The thought of not being committed wholeheartedly The thought of being tossed aside Why do I keep holding onto him I can be alone I am worth being committed to wholeheartedly I am worth being the priority I am not an option

We need one another I can only attribute my survival to the love and care of those that I took for granted When I look inside of me I hear a voice saying dreams Then came another saying love from others, parents, friends, and a lover But when I reach deeper, there is a small girl who longs to be loved by me She wants to be seen, heard, cared, and loved by me I spent my whole life listening to others telling me that I ain't good enough I don't even know where it came from  But there is a feeling that it is bad, embarrassing, and shameful to be me It is as if I were born to be shaped by others' ideas of how I should be

I wanted a Prince Charming since age thirteen A Tuxedo Mask with a black cloak and a red, red rose I chased after the ideal and perfection I thought that was what I wanted I chased after the phantom of an illusion being pricked by its thorns It was all on me because I could not see Then you appeared with the smile of a jester when I was licking my wounds in tears A baritone voice like a beast soothing me with warmth like a blanket I thought you were the prince to save me from my nightmare But when I came closer  You just disappeared Overwhelmed and lost, I have no time for tears I have to stand up to be my own knight to walk through the fire

If we don't accept ourselves No amount of others' validation would make us feel better Embrace every scar, spot, and flaw And change if we must from a place of self-love and self-compassion

 Life is my greatest teacher Even though I have been trying to numb, dissociate, detach, and run away from the it It never fails to teach me one thing or two Life is a journey I merely chose the road less traveled There is no shame in it I forgive myself

I have learned that sometimes you just can't get to have what you want in life No matter how hard you try No matter how much you love

I need a good sleep of colorful dreams

The hardest thing isn't to achieve something It is to let go

If I give, I'd give my all If I love, I'd love with all my heart There isn't in between But now I'm afraid to be the one who cares and loves more 'Cause I'd been hurt for flying into the flame