Bleu Neptune

The air smells like Lisboa, Portugal this morning. The freshness and crispiness of the beautiful city. The blue sky and sunshine are so welcoming. Despite the loneliness of travelling alone, I still got lovely memory of Portugal.

    I just finished reading this manga series called "Les Fleurs du mal" (The Flowers of Evil).  I hadn't read any manga  for awhile before this one. Initially, the plot was a bit eerie and ridiculous. You would have thought what kind of normal teenagers would have followed the orders of someone you barely knew because of a silly thing he did by accident that he could have had explained. However, the more I read it, the more I wanted to know what would happened to them.     Every part that seems surreal and ridiculous is however the exaggerated truth of real life of some people if not all. I especially can relate to living in a small town as a teenager feeling depressed that I would be stuck there living the same old life forever. I remember one day I felt so desperate but I didn't know how to tell that to my family. I was full of this anger and desire in my heart. I rode my bicycle just like the protagonist did wanting to escape or search for something w...

A few minutes ago, I was scrolling through the shopping app. I was thinking about buying a doll that is like Barbie but of another brand. I spents hours looking at different box sets and beautiful dresses for a doll. And I was trying to decide on which doll I would like to buy. However, at the last moment I deleted every item that I had liked.  Somehow deep down in my heart, I knew that this had to stop. First of all, I have already ordered some stuff which I still need to pay. Secondly, if I ever start something, it will just go on and on and on. It would be hard to draw a line. It has happened so many times that I had gone crazy and purchased lots of things because of a new hobby. Here is the history I have with binge shopping. I started buying lots of comic books over time when I was in elementary and middle school. Later I got rid of them after I lost interests in them except for the classics like Sailor Moon series and Lady Oscar series. I had several bookshelf-full of comic ...

I wanted to keep singing on that singing app, but then I ran out of songs that I knew how to sing. I wanted to write reviews on the dramas I had watched but then suddenly I felt that it was not really something I had a passion for and it was not something I really wanted to spend too much my energy on. I was into needle felting for a short while until I quit after a long time without touching any of the tools I bought. I seem to be interested in many different things but rarely any of them lasts. I want to find that one thing or a few things that I have a passion for and something that lasts for all my life instead of being sidetracked by so many different things that don't matter the most.

I haven't felt like writing in the middle of night for awhile. Maybe it was because I have been learning to sing some Spanish songs, I have started to feel the nostalgia for Latin America. All of sudden, I had this epiphany that I was dealing with a breakup from a culture, a lifestyle and a family. I thought I was heartbroken because of some guy I barely knew. But actually, my heartbreak is for parting with what I used to know. I will never forget how I wailed in the hotel room and on the streets of Lisbon, Portugal days before I headed home. I thought I was heartbroken because of someone I had feeling for. Little did I know that that person was just an epitome of everything. I felt lost and so so lost in a normal life back here. I wanted to hold onto something familiar to what I used to know. I tried to hang out with people from Latin America and speak the language with them for a while. I thought that would work. But it didn't. When the stress of a new job and the sense of re...

Have you thought about how old you are? I didn't mean the calculation you got from the current year minus your birth year. But how old you really are mentally and spiritually. A few years ago back in my 20s, I still felt like a little girl full of fear without much experience that a normal 20 something is supposed to have. When I was nineteen, I was told by the first guy I dated that I lacked confidence and acted like a dog following him around. Of course that was hurtful and an awful thing to say to someone. Besides that later I realized that there was a lot of pain in me. Not long ago I thought of my age according to how I felt at different moments. I found that my mental/spiritual age has grown gradually. I don't know for sure how that exactly happened but it has grown from 15, 17 to now, 21. Maybe I have grown by admitting the pain and hurt in my life. Maybe I have grown through confronting the obstacles. I don't know how I come up with the digit, either. All I kn...

He came out of blue like the wind Off he went like the wind as well He is not the type that I normally find attractive Yet it had been two fun days of adventures I don't like how he is so skinny and not tall enough I don't like that he likes taking photos of himself like a girl does I don't like that he is more afraid of dogs than I am I don't like his over confidence I don't like that he seems to have way too many girl friends But somehow I seem to like him Ever since we met I just can't stop thinking about him Maybe it is just my old habit of liking someone too quickly I never knew that we could have met in person I never felt guilty that I erased him many times from my life Because I knew for sure that he was not the one for me Yet he seemed to stick around Then why does my heart ache that now he is gone? Why is it so hard to let go of someone that I barely knew Maybe I just want to have a friend by my side Someone who could inspire ...

To be honest, I am really unhappy.  I don't know what has gone wrong.  It is by God's grace all along the way.  It is not easy to tell just someone randomly about my story.  I hate to feel that I am gonna be this person whom someone from church wants to speak to or spends time with just because that is his/her job.  I hope someone could just want to spend time with me because he/she likes the way I am. I hate pretending to be Christian-y.  Oh dear, when I was asked if I got time to meet up, I was really anxious.  I felt that I had done something wrong.  I feel more and more unhappy in this "family".  Yet, I don't have another one to go to.

God doesn't seem real to me no matter how great others have said that He is.  He becomes very real to me the moment when I start searching for Him at my heartbreak.  Lord, I need You.  He becomes real when he is the source that I rely on.  I pray O Lord... for peace, for rest... for strength to go through the storm.