Bleu Neptune

I never did drugs, but you became my opium, cocaine and heroin.  I tried really hard to replace you with what money could buy.  But I am about to relapse after more than one year of withdrawal upon seeing your blue eyes.  I resisted seeing your face and hearing your voice and attempted to throw you into the dungeon.  But you haunted me in my thoughts and dreams I still willingly listen to whatever you want to say. You aren't even a prince.  You are merely a troll and jester.  Yet, you still make me smile brighter than the sun.  I fear that I still gravitate towards you.  I fear that I might lose you again after getting used to your presence.  I fear that all this talking is like grasping sand in the wind.  But I love you. The only thing I know it is true.  It is more than wanting to trap you.  It is like a warm and long hug I have been wanting to give you with my soul and whole being.  It is alright to love with boundaries. It is alright to love from a distance.  It is alright to l

I see your name and it stirs an ache in my chest Once we were friends Once we were almost lovers Now we are nothing more than strangers.

Of all the elements, what can one live without?  Here is the order of elements, from what will impact us the most immediately to least urgent, when one of the them is absent :  Air > Water > Earth > Fire  Air: We die if we can't breathe air within three minutes.  Water: We can only survive without water for three days.  Earth: Earth grows food. Without food, we can only survive for a week. And earth is the ground we stand upon.  Fire: Fire is the least needed element. We can live on raw food and water alone. However, life would seem to miss some sparks or flavors. Fire is the driving force and passion that ignites life.  The order of the elements, from most to least, on my astrology chart is: Water > Fire > Earth > Air  The element of air is zero. It makes me wonder what that signifies if the element is absent in me esoterically, if the air is so important for a living being. It reflects on my struggle with the suffocation and stagnancy I encounter in my life. The

I opened the Pandora’s box.  And not surprisingly, I wasn’t ready to face what was to come.  All the pain and hurt surfaced and I cried my heart out in grief.  Maybe it’s a good thing, so I can face what I have been numbing  for so long with another mean.  It is like I am stuck in when whatever happened back then.  Time is passing me by.  Everything is changing around me but I am still here.  No matter how hard I have grieved, the pain wouldn’t go away.  It is like my body is filled with grief, pain, and fear wrapped up with anxiety.  I still wake up each morning hoping not to.  I still spend all of my money like there’s no tomorrow.   I am no more hopeful than a drunk. 

I will be waiting for you here on Neptune It's a bit lonely here But I will be waiting patiently for you to return It's raining diamonds here And it will all be real and sure We will be laughing at our little jokes all over again So go now I let you go believing in all faith that if we are meant to be  We will be We will find our way back to each other My love

After months  I finally found my place It took me this long to realize It hurts But let it hurt

I am not at peace I am in pain and anxiety daily with the thought of not being chosen The thought of not being committed wholeheartedly The thought of being tossed aside Why do I keep holding onto him I can be alone I am worth being committed to wholeheartedly I am worth being the priority I am not an option