Bleu Neptune

I used to think that I was just a loner. Now I know it is merely the symptom for desiring connection and belonging. I used to think that I just couldn't fit in. Now I know that I was never taught how to belong.

Years ago I would have avoided watching the show, Lucifer like avoiding something disgusting because of my religious belief. And now I found myself come across path with the show in my journey of deconstruction. I no longer believe that there is a evil persona constantly trying to plot plans to make me fall. I believe, as Mr. Morningstar constantly has to explain himself, that everyone needs to take responsibility of his own deeds instead of blaming the devil. Ironically, I have found myself started to find interest in faith again after watching four seasons of this series. Besides, it cracks me up that Lucifer is so sensitive to every comment about God such as a simple catchphrase like, Thank God. He is simply a guy, devil or not, with a very complicated relationship with his father. Despite his spoken hatred of God, there is a longing for His love deep down inside his heart. He seems to misunderstand everything about his father and create a maze in his own head. The main structure ...

I found myself at the crossroad again deciding what to let go. No, I know exactly what to let go of and it is a question of my willingness. Every decluttering that ever occured since I embarked on this journey of minimalism is like arriving at a milestone. I usually find myself struggling the most with books. I always have excuses for keeping them all. Yet I know deep down in my heart that it comes from the mindset of scarcity fearing that I would regret that someday I might need them and wouldn't be able to have access to them anymore. Rationally speaking, it is a mental burden to accumulate stuff that I might or I wish I would do someday even if the someday is say, three months later. But new things might come up three months later. Then, what am I to do with the presumed someday items? They sit there in the dust and quietly remind me of the tasks I haven't done and which brings out all the unnecessary stress. I can find almost all the books at the library.  And I only need...

   I was disappointed with the last few books of the manga Goong series. Because it seems to me that their love wasn't really truly genuine as they claimed. If they truly loved each other why would they let go each other's hands so many times after going through so much hardship while no one else was there opposed them anymore. The king and queen and even the parents-in-laws approved in the end. Yet they chose to let go easily despite that it hinted that they got back together in the end.     I feel as if I was played like a fool who faithfully read until the end but found nothing there. This story should have ended way before their divorce and multiple breakups. My heart broke for them each time they tried hard to forget about each other and seeing them getting back together after each breakup really kept my hopes up and believed that they would eventually cherish and finally marry again.     The whole story plummeted when the princess still wanted...

Something is bothering me besides the ache of longing. The guilt of having a dream collection of toys is following me like a shadow The minimalist mind wants me to let everything go Yet my heart still wants to hold onto this magical little world If I look deep within me I want to let go because I am afraid that one day I will have to say goodbye to them all because of some unspoken difficult situation. So I want to do myself a service before it all crumbles. If I look deep within me I want to hold on because it is kind of like a revenge for that child who was emotionally confused and ignored hoping that it could bring comfort and peace and amend all. If I look deep within me I want to let go because part of me still longs to see this world and cannot feel satisfied to settle. If I look deep within me I want to hold on because I hope it could bring a little bit of joy amid all chaos. This dilemma still can't be solved Meanwhile I shall enjoy them And I know the l...

Everything should come to an end. This endless buying cycle of things to fill the void that cannot be filled by any other means but by simply looking within. They say, "Stop looking within yourself! Go occupied yourself with others' needs, then you will forget about your pain." And now I know how wrong they were. The problem is I never looked within myself hard and deep enough. Only when I broke away from that crowd that I started to learn more about myself. Changing is scary. And I am not sure what would happen if I let go of all things. But I will find out when it happens. I have lost things that I found my identity with. But why do I still feel ashamed of not having a job? It only means that I am still identifying myself with the content of "having a job". This is the root of the whole problem. And all my pursuing of other things like toys, photos and such are merely the means to help me to forget about the shame of not being able to find the th...

I would rather visit the actual places than having them displaying on the walls.