Sleep

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I need a good sleep of colorful dreams


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覺醒：現實與幻境交錯

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似乎所有發生的事情都是意義的, 一切都環環相扣, 一次一次遇見的人讓我經歷的痛苦， 帶領著我走入內心的那個黑洞， 喚醒我忘記的真正的自我。 因為失去讓我找尋浮木能夠不溺斃，我找到了一個人，但他只是幻影，身上充滿著刺傷我的荊棘。 我又遇見另一個人，他像太陽一般照耀著我，讓我跟到溫暖，我誤認那會是永遠，但沒看到他的陽光身後的黑影跟破碎。我被他一次一次地灼傷了，但是我不願放手，因為我一直記得他的溫暖，只是他照耀的不只是我，他說他從來都不在，我的傷是我自己造成的。 我繼續抓著另一個東西，我抓住了礦物水晶的收藏，但失去了讓我生活無憂的金錢。而這次我選擇沉浸在虛幻的戲劇世間，讓我逃離現實帶跟我的無力感，似乎透過主角跟劇情我也在那些世界裡活過了。 我發現每當接近結局之時，我會不忍去看，並不是不能接受會發生的事情，因為我重看了《蒼蘭訣》，我早已經知道結局，我所不願去面對的是結束之後我又要回到現實，我不願從夢中醒來，因為沒有任何人在那如我愛他一般愛著我。 一部又一部帶領著我到《永夜星河》，我原本以為它不可能跟《長相思》跟《蒼蘭訣》帶給我一樣的震撼，我覺得不可能有能夠超越這兩部的劇了。 《長相思》裡相柳在戰死前不求回報地默默地替小夭完成她所需所想所愛，也不願讓她知道是他所做的，甚至把他從她的鏡中記憶抹去，只願她一生無憂。我看完我無法停止地哭泣，覺得沒有任何可以慰藉我被悲傷啃食的心，一方面我被感動，覺得我必須跟相柳一樣默默地愛著跟付出不求回報，另一方面感受到讓人窒息的孤寂跟絕望，覺得連他的好跟愛都不會被知道跟記得，就如同我所付出跟給予的愛不被看見跟感受到，如同那永恆孤寂的遙遠的冥王星。 而《蒼蘭訣》裡小蘭花跟大木頭的愛深深地吸引著我，東方青蒼一心只看得到跟愛著小蘭花，呵護並寵愛著她，向反對的人確切堅定地展示自己對她的獨愛，彼此雙向奔赴的愛願意為了對方犧牲自己，不可能有比這個更美更真的愛了，這也是我內心所渴望的，但是現實中真的存在嗎？也許只在幻想的國度裡。 因此在這兩部之後，我不覺得還能夠有比他們能勾動我的心了，然後在我不留神地看完《永夜星河》還在困惑未讀懂它的結局時，它也牽動了現實生活中的我。 浮舟最後寫的「人在什麼時候才可以愛另一人愛到100%？不是當我愛你愛到超過愛自己的時候，而是只有當我真心喜歡自己，相信我自己的時候，我才能全心全意真正的愛你」。先讓我有所感悟，讓我想起跟那個人所發...
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Stranger

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You are absoulte Freedom. I am Absolute Love. Love has decided to let go of freedom. Even though I once read:  "Love is nothing without Freedom and Freedom is nowhere without Love." I once believed maybe we could be. But I can't make you see me. I can't make you love me. I can't not be me. I really had no intention of letting you in, if you didn't eagerly knocking on my door and persuaded me with your sweet words like finding a rare treasure. At one point you were even afraid of losing me. Little did I know, you went around the town knocking from door to door as you pleased. I have to shut the door as you came in and asked for the warmth of a lover but paid with a price of a friend. You never intended to stay.  Once I chose to love you against all odds, even though it cut me into pieces. The pain haunted me in my sleep. If I could choose this time I choose to set you free Let Freedom be Freedom And Love will be me It is better to be a stranger than more than a...
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Bermuda

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I can only love as much as you love me. I can only mirror what you have given me.  It is protective to be transactional on the receiving end of the emotional unavailability.  I used to think it was a curse to be a Bermuda feeling lost in the ocean of everyone else's voices.  Now I know mirroring is my strength.  Mirroring is my protection.  I won't give more than what I receive.  I am the epitome of 3, 6, and 9, the key to the universe. I am a detector of anything sharp and harsh, and a symbol of harmony. I am the full moon shining bright in the darkness.   
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